No Going Back
by zashaxander
Summary: Their fairytale ending. They finally made it, finally, together, promised, always. But Kate has opened her heart, torn down her walls, and from this there is no going back.
1. Preface - Until Death Do Us Part

NO GOING BACK

Love doesn't conquer. It's not some kind of a weapon that you wield.

Love simply opens you to feel more deeply than you could ever have imagined. It tears down your walls and floods your body with something like a drug. You lose all control, all wish for control. You lose yourself in someone else.

But for this pleasure there is a price. Because everything ends one day. And there is no going back.

* * *

PREFACE - UNTIL DEATH DO US PART

Kate stared up into Rick's piercing blue eyes and grinned from ear to ear. The chapel was stunning, the sun shone through the stained glass windows and they were here. They were finally here.

"I do," she heard him say, and that was it. They were married.

"Always," she whispered as he hooked a hand behind her and scooped her up for a passionate kiss. When they finally broke apart, after several throats were cleared in the audience, Kate knew there was no where else she would rather be. She had been completely discharged by her therapist – he had said she had one of the healthiest, strongest minds he'd ever encountered. Rick was so good for her...

"I love you," she said to him, loud and clear, those words it had taken her so long to muster up the courage to say the first time. They still held just as much meaning as they had done the first time.

"I love you too," he replied, taking her hand. They walked together back down the aisle, being congratulated over and over again.

"Made for each other," Kate overheard.

"About time!" Rick laughed at this one.

"Won't last the year."

"Espo!"Kate said. "Shush."

"Just kidding, boss."

They were all the way there now, about to take their first steps outside as a married couple.

"Mrs Katherine Castle," Kate murmured.

"Perfect," Rick said. She blushed. She hadn't realised he would hear. He touched her freshly coloured cheek and smiled at her. She smiled back, a glowing smile that was still miraculous to him, even though he got to see it every day now.

Rick looked out at the courtyard, the beautiful old fashioned buildings, the windows reflecting the light so it sparkled like stars. He couldn't believe he was here, breathing air, feeling the sun on his face, holding the hand of his _wife_, the woman he loved, the woman who loved him, and who would love him, always-

"KATE!"

He dived before he even knew what he was doing, tackling her to the ground in a move that was all to familiar. Except this time it succeeded.

* * *

The red contrasted so fantastically with the white of her dress, warm, flowing freely, rippling like a river over the silk. Kate stared at it for a moment, not knowing what had happened. And then she realised that the dead weight on top of her wasn't moving. Wasn't moving at all.

"CASTLE!" she was screaming, crying, people were gathering round and running and calling ambulances and the police and trying to help but there was so much blood, too much blood, and he was lying on his back now and she was above him and he tried to speak.

"I love you," she said and forced her mouth to his. She could taste his blood. There was blood in his mouth but she still kissed him, breathing into him. He was still warm, he was still alive and he loved her and he would stay with her, he would stay with her because he had promised...

* * *

She pumped his chest for far too long. They had to drag her away from his limp, lifeless body. Sweaty, dirty, covered in blood and tears and screaming, screaming like a little girl because he had her heart, it was iniside him and he couldn't be, he couldn't because he loved her and he had married her and he loved her and she loved him and they were going to be together forever, for always, have children, have a house, get old together, do everything and this couldn't be it. It was OVER. It was supposed to be over.

He had saved her. He had pushed her out of the way. Because she was the one who should have died.

Because this was her fault.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Rick is a character in this story for a reason. That's all I'm saying.

* * *

1

They wrapped him in the flag. She wore her uniform and carried him through the church, a different church, and listened as people said things about him which meant nothing. Alexis spoke because Kate couldn't. She had barely spoken to anyone in the last week.

They'd caught the shooter. He hadn't even run off. He hadn't even known she was a cop. He'd only known she was a bride. He was crazy. That was supposed to make things better but it didn't. Nothing. Rick had died for _nothing. _

Lanie had forced her to take off his shirt and shower and dress for the funeral. She had been living in his bed, hardly moving, hardly making a sound. She hadn't eaten, she sipped water from the bathroom tap.

Lanie had to dress her like a child, doing her buttons for her, combing her hair.

Rick had liked to comb her hair. He had loved her hair. He would trace his fingers through it as he kissed her...

Martha was sobbing beside her. She didn't cry. She hadn't, not since she had tried to save him. She had been in a kind of trance. Alexis cried as she spoke. Ryan and Espo stood side by side, holding onto their composure but only just. Even Gates was crying.

The body was cremated. Kate knew it was what Rick had wanted. Well, not all of his body. He was an organ donor so they had taken his eyes and some tissue and anything else that was left. Kate had been with him when he finally got around to putting himself on the list – they had been at a blood drive. Kate wasn't allowed to give blood because she had received it, but Rick could and she went to hold his hand while he was a drama queen about it. He'd been given a leaflet asking him to join the register.

"Ultimate recycling," he had joked.

"Don't make fun. It's important. I'm on it."

"I know... I don't know why I'm not. Shall I join? Would you mind?"

Kate had laughed. "Well I am going to outlive you," she had teased. "But, no, I think it would be good."

So he had filled out the form.

His heart was no good though. It had a hole in it. Just a little one. But a little one seemed to be all it took.

So his heart was still inside. But most of the other things were gone. They had sewed him up again. A bit of a waste of time, since he was going to be cremated, but it was policy. Kate wondered who he would save. She hoped he would save people.

So there wasn't a whole lot left of him to burn but he would be burned and flying in the sky. He'd liked the idea of that, too. They were around death a lot, always had been... It had never struck Kate as odd that they talked about it. It seemed normal – if you see death every day you're bound to think about it a bit.

A writer was speaking now, one of his friends that she'd played poker with. She couldn't remember the man's name but he had a nice face, a friendly face. He said nice things, too, well worded, but Kate couldn't attach them to the man, well, the bits of a man, in the box on the table that would soon be ashes. She couldn't really attach herself to that man, either. She couldn't attach herself to anything.

People were standing up, they were going to sing a song. Kate couldn't even remember which song had been chosen. Something uplifting, something right, something he would have liked. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter what anyone said or did or sang or wrote, because nothing could bring him back.

She only stayed in the room because Lanie had a firm grip on her upper arm. When she was finally allowed to leave she got in her car and drove back to the loft. Their loft. She paid rent and everything.

She took off her smart clothes, shook out her smart hair, hair that he loved, and got back into their bed. If she lay a certain way she could almost feel him beside her. If she squeezed her eyes tight shut and dug her fingernails into her palms she could almost hear his gentle breathing...

* * *

"Kate?"

"Castle?"

He was... there. In the bed with her. She blinked. It was light, it was...

"So. Looking forward to becoming Mrs Castle?"

It was the morning. The morning before the wedding! Kate sat up and grabbed him, pulling him towards her, kissing him like there was no tomorrow. He got into it after a few seconds, though he was surprised.

"Someone's excited," he said as she gripped him under the covers, suddenly desperate to be connected to him, be as alive with him as she knew. He seemed more than happy to go along with her plan for the morning, swinging around so he was on top of her.

She couldn't take that, though. His weight pressing down on her-

She pushed the thoughts out of her mind and threw him back on the bed, arching her back as she straddled him and he slid inside her, using his fingers to accelerate her pleasure.

It was quick, it was messy, they ended up in a panting tangle at the end of the bed.

"You okay?" he asked. Kate bit her lip.

"I had a dream..."

"You're allowed to be nervous. This day is a big deal."

She nodded. "Sorry," she said quietly. He laughed.

"No apology required. It seems you're pretty hot when you're freaked out. What happened in the dream?"

"You... you were..." but she was drifting away. Maybe she was more tired than she thought.

* * *

The scream of agony that came out of the master bedroom was enough to turn Alexis away from the door. It lasted an eternity. She felt exactly the same. She looked at the sunlight outside and couldn't understand... couldn't understand anything.

* * *

She actually found it in one of his notebooks. He'd copied it in from somewhere, he copied in a lot of things. Always the writer. He'd changed the 'he's to 'she's – Kate changed them back. She copied it onto a piece of paper. She still hadn't cried. It had been two weeks. But this... He had known how she would feel better than she would.

She whispered the words to the stone, the stone with his name on it. The stone with _Always _on it. The stone that lied.

And then she lay down beside him and waited for the world to stop turning.

_Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone._  
_Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,_  
_Silence the pianos and with muffled drum_  
_Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come._

_Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead_  
_Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,_  
_Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,_  
_Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves._

_He was my North, my South, my East and West,_  
_My working week and my Sunday rest_  
_My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;_  
_I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong._

_The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,_  
_Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun._  
_Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;_  
_For nothing now can ever come to any good._

* * *

A/N: The poem is by WH Auden and it's in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. I cry whenever I read it.


	3. Chapter 2

2

She had never truly forgiven her father for the addiction he developed after her mother's death, but she quickly arrived at the stage where she didn't know whether she was addicted or not. She drank because she didn't want to feel or think or love. She drank because there was nothing else left. She gave them her badge and gun, though her backup gun stayed in the drawer of the nightstand. She took it out occasionally, to make sure it was loaded. When she twirled it around in her hands she was so tempted... It would be so easy to join him. But she couldn't.

Every life was sacred. Every life...

Whisky was simpler. She'd started with Rick's bottle of single malt, the one he kept in his office. He'd had about half of it; when she drank it straight out of the bottle she could almost taste him. In fact, she _could _taste him...

_She crept into the office in her shorts and tank top; it was 3am and he still hadn't come to bed. He was staring at his laptop screen when she went in, cradling a glass of whisky as he wondered what to write. When she came in he got up to put the laptop on the desk, then pulled her with him to sit on his lap in the armchair. She took his glass from him._

_"Don't drink alone," she murmured as his hands slid over her body._

"_I'm not alone," he said, "but you're better than alcohol. Sorry. Didn't want to wake you."_

_Kate kissed him softly. "You _not _being there woke me. Not used to sleeping in an empty bed."_

"_Good," he muttered, kissing her back and shifting her so she was straddling him in the chair. He tasted so good, the familiar taste of him mingled with the alcohol, so warm and strong... _

Kate swallowed another large mouthful and shuddered as it burned her throat. She was in the empty bed. The empty bed that would always be empty, that would only ever be hers now. She still sat on her side; she hadn't even borrowed his pillows or his share of the comforter...

"_You are such a bed thief!"_

"_Am not!" she protested. _

"_Yes you are. You flail around like anything, you're always tugging the covers away from me."_

_She grinned wickedly. "At least I don't snore."_

_He looked mortified. "I don't snore!" he said._

"_Sure you don't..."_

Another swig. The bottle was close to empty. She decided she might as well finish it. The dregs trickled down her throat all too easily and she lay back in bed feeling the world spin around her. She was wearing his shirt, one of them, one of the blue button downs made of cotton so soft she'd always worn them whenever she could. She still had a dirty one left. It really did smell like him, but it would smell like her. The shower... She hated it more than she hated the bed. It would wash her regardless, make her all shiny and clean and new, no matter what happened. And she found this idea terrifying, somehow. She hadn't even wanted to wash his blood off.

Boy she was drunk. She had to pee. She staggered out of bed and into the bathroom, avoiding the mirror as she hurried to be able to get out of there again. She hit her shoulder on the door frame on the way out-

"_Ow!"_

"_Castle, how the hell do you walk into a door frame?"_

"_I'm drunk, it's easier than you think."_

"We drink too much."

"_The perks of owning the best bar in New York. And no we don't. We haven't been drunk before this since... don't remember. But..." he swayed towards the bed, "a while."_

"_You're an idiot, you know that?"_

"_Very well," he said dreamily. "Do I get an old man if I fall asleep tonight before having sex with you again?"_

"_Not sure... you were pretty exciting at the Old Haunt. But young men can hold their drink."_

"_I plead the fifth."_

_"You can't just say that randomly. Do you even know what it means?"_

_"Yes," he slurred. "Self... incriminating... evidence. If I comment on what young men can do under the influence, I might incriminate myself as old."_

_Kate laughed and flopped down on the bed beside him. He took her hand and she smiled blissfully._

_"We can just go to sleep," she said quietly._

"_Now who's old?" he said softly as his eyes drooped closed. _

They had been going to be old. They were going to get old together. They had... they had promised! She looked at her wedding ring, nestled against the beautiful engagement ring he had surprised her with so wonderfully. His ring was still in a box; suddenly she needed it. She took out the chain, the one she had stopped wearing, the one with her mother's ring on it, and replaced it with his wedding ring. He had only worn it for a minute but it meant so much. She was his wife. She was his wife and she would always be his wife. She fastened the chain around her neck and played with the ring on it. The ring said always too.

That stupid word. That stupid, fucking, lying word that promised something so amazing but LIED. There was no always. There would be no always.

Well. There was one always. She would always love him. She thought of the titanic song and her inebriated brain decided now would be a good time to sing it... Two verses of I will always love you later (she'd had trouble remembering the other lyrics) she buried herself in the comforter and screeched into it. She still hadn't cried. She yelled and screamed and cursed and swore... But there were no tears.

She wasn't really a crying person, she didn't cry much. He had made her cry. Several times. And the sniper, the bullet... Their past flashed before her, the first I love yous, the tears, the pain, the fighting, and finally the realisation that all she wanted was him.

Slamming her into the door, frenzied kisses that said so much, that made up for four wasted years... They had connected so perfectly, they were 'meant to be'. Another stupid saying. Because fate was about the future. They weren't meant to be. Nothing was meant to be. He was meant to be alive, meant to be with her, she wasn't meant to be alone, they were meant to be newly weds...

She was going to be sick. She dashed for the bathroom and just made it, emptying her stomach into the toilet bowl. She shivered.

"_Kate?"_

_She protested but he came into the bathroom anyway, finding her crouched over the toilet. _

"_Kate, what's wrong with you?"_

_She just shook her head and leaned back over the toilet, waving at him to leave. He wouldn't, though. He held back her hair and rubbed her back, and when she couldn't be sick any more he helped her brush her teeth and wash her face and have a drink of water. She'd ended up being sick for about a week; he'd barely left her side – he'd put soothing towels on her head and helped her get up to go to the bathroom, and mostly he had talked to her while she couldn't sleep. She loved the sound of his voice, how safe it made her feel... _

His voice. She needed his voice... She stumbled towards the office and found his laptop, typed in his password and looked for the video files. She took the laptop back through to the bedroom and found what she was looking for. It was some stupid thing they'd made, another time they were drunk, interviewing each other. She found a section that was almost all Rick, plugged the laptop in, set it on the nightstand and let his voice get right into her mind. She curled up in bed and forced herself into the silly little video...

"_So, Mr Castle," she said, "what magic do you believe in?"_

"_Well, Miss Beckett, I believe in everything. There's no conclusive proof that any of it doesn't exist. Ghosts, bigfoot, unicorns... All this magic – why shouldn't it be in the world? After all, someone once told me that the world is full of magic that we can see, the magic of the everyday. We're magic. Being with you is magic. Music is magic, hopes and dreams and love. Love is the most magical thing of all. Partly because it can grow and grow – I feel as though I could just love you more and more every day – I do, and it's going to go on forever. Always. Because we're... we're magic, Kate, like you once said, and I believe that the magic we have will hold us together, through more than time, through more than troubles... We'll do it, Kate. We'll make this always a reality, because... With this kind of love, there's no going back. And love... it doesn't end. Love never ends."_

* * *

A/N: Please review. x


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: You came back. You signed up for this. You know what you're getting.

* * *

3

Kate woke up with a splitting headache and the video still playing on repeat. She turned it off, the sound of his voice when she could see the empty bed now unbearable. She forced herself up to get some water from the kitchen but a wave of nausea came over her when she got out the glass and she threw up in the sink. She turned on the tap to wash everything away; it was mostly water and acid anyway. Then she got herself a drink and some painkillers, she didn't even notice which packet she popped three pills out of before she swallowed them. She heard someone behind her.

"Kate," the someone whispered. The adult, the woman, the graduate who was now just a little girl again.

"Alexis," she replied gently, the pounding in her head making it hard for her to focus. Lex must have let herself in; she didn't live at the loft any more but she still had an emergency key.

"I did knock," Alexis said nervously. Kate shook her head.

"Don't worry about it. You can come in, this is as much your place as it is mine."

Alexis stood there helplessly. Kate looked how she felt; the fact that she was holding her exterior together better was because... this was the first time. She still had hope, somehow, she still had hope for the future. She knew it was what her father would have wanted and so she did it. She was strong.

Kate had given up on being strong.

"Can I help you with anything?" Kate asked after they had stood looking at each other for a minute more.

"No... I just wanted to see you."

"You see me," Kate said quietly. "Do you need anything else?"

"I don't want to be on my own," Alexis admitted. "And my friends would be there for me but..."

Kate knew what she meant. It was just uncomfortable. But she didn't want company right now, and though she felt disgustingly cruel, she told Alexis to call her grandmother.

"I just... I can't talk about anything. I don't think I'm well, I just need to go to bed," she tried to explain. Alexis nodded.

"I understand," she lied. She walked up to Kate and gave her a hug; Kate just managed not to pull away. Touching anyone now made her skin crawl. She didn't understand it. She loved Alexis like her own daughter, they'd become so close since she'd moved in with Rick but now... everything was different. Alexis left, her eyes wet with tears, and Kate went back to bed.

She couldn't stop thinking about how she'd treated the girl, the woman, the... daughter. She knew it had been wrong, she'd known when she'd done it and she knew now. But she...

And then she realised why. She had always dreamed of being a mother. A real mother, to a baby, a baby that was hers and Rick's. She would never be that now. They would never raise a child together, he would never father a baby in her. Which meant she would never have a baby. She ran a hand over her stomach, flat and smooth, remembering how Rick had touched it when she'd had that scare a year ago. It had been a false alarm, she'd just been late, but it had still been...

"_...perfect," he murmured. Kate was lying on the bed waiting for the result of the pregnancy test that they'd rushed out and bought together. _

"_You really think it would be?"_

_"A child of mine?" he joked. "Of course."_

_Kate chuckled. "It wouldn't be so bad."_

"_I had wanted to marry you first."_

"Me too."

_Then they stared at each other, conscious that they had both accidentally said something of huge importance, something that they had both known for a while but saying it made it... real. Kate jumped up to look at the test and laughed with mingled relief and disappointment._

_"It's negative," she said. Rick got up and kissed her; she loved him for knowing that even though it would have been difficult and impractical, she was still sad. _

They had never really got engaged. Kate had woken up the next morning to Rick slipping a ring on her finger and that was that. He had offered to take it off and 'do it properly' but she had just laughed and said this way was better. She twisted her ring around her finger; her wedding ring too. She liked the feel of it, the weight, the difference... It meant what it had when he had put it on her. The ring hadn't done anything, the ring hadn't known, the ring still symbolised the promise which she was still going to keep...

Kate began to lose all track of time. She slept, she used the bathroom, she drank water and ate occasionally. She'd been given extended leave from work – unpaid, but she didn't need the money. He hadn't just left her everything – it had all been hers anyway, because they were married. Gates had visited, an awkward, short encounter, with brusque condolences and nervous glances. Gates had said her job would be there for her when she wanted to come back. Wanted. Kate barely even understood 'want' any more. Because there was only one thing in the world that she wanted and she couldn't have it. There was only one thing in the world that mattered to her – and it wasn't even in the damn world any more!

She began to read his books. She didn't know when she started, how long it had been... she just began to read them. She saved the ones about her until last. There were seven. She read all the time. She read the love scenes which she had been the inspiration for, screaming inside at the passion he had clearly had for her from the very beginning. Four whole years. For years where they could have been together but because of her stubbornness she had almost driven him away.

The fifth book was her favourite. She could feel the change in his writing, the elation at his dream finally coming true, the heat that was so much stronger...

She must have devoted several weeks to reading. She didn't want to finish but inevitably she reached the end of the seventh volume and was left sitting alone in bed with nothing but paper in her hands. She went through to the bathroom, forcing herself to have a shower. She managed showers by imagining him. His breath on her neck as he unbuttoned her shirt, his hands on her skin rubbing soap over her body, his fingers massaging shampoo in her hair, his body pressed against hers as she stood under the stream of warm water...

When she wrapped the towel around her shoulders she could almost feel his arms pressed around her. He liked to hold her like this...

_Kate got out of the shower and shivered as she always did before taking her towel off the rack and pulling it tightly around her shoulders. Rick looked at her through the open bathroom door. _

"_Are you cold?" he asked. "I could turn the heat up."_

_She shook her head. "It's just a... thing. I've had it since I was a kid – I always shiver and feel weird when I get out of the shower."_

_Rick got out of bed and took off his shirt and boxers as he walked towards her. He hugged her from behind, pressing his warm, dry body against hers. He soothed her instantly; the strange cold that appeared in her chest bubbled into nothingness and she relaxed, leaning back against his chest. _

Kate shuddered. The cold was there for good now. She dried herself quickly and went back into the bedroom, putting on a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers. She had lost a lot of weight. Martha was very worried about her, but Martha didn't live at the loft any more. Alexis had been over a few more times but Kate didn't like company. It just made the sadness more pronounced.

She pulled on a soft blue sweater, also Rick's, and sat down on the bed. She opened his laptop and for some reason glanced at the date. It had been over a month. She looked at the little number. There was something strange about it that she couldn't quite put her finger on. She stared at it, waiting for it to tell her what she wasn't seeing. And then-

More than a month. A lot more than a month. Seven weeks. She opened up the calendar programme, convinced she must be counting wrong but there it was. Seven weeks. No. No, it couldn't be, she couldn't be, it was crazy and she didn't want to be and...

Still she didn't cry. She picked up her phone but she hadn't charged it. She went through to the kitchen to get the house phone, but once it was in her hand she changed her mind. She had been going to call Lanie, or maybe Martha, or even Alexis, but she realised she didn't want them to know. She didn't want them to try to persuade her, or be excited or sad or anything like that. She would have to find out, but then... She didn't know what she would do, but...

She could not be a mother. It wasn't possible. She couldn't do it. Not without him.

* * *

A/N: So... Review. Tell me what you think will happen. Apologies to the adorable people who are trying to figure out a way for Rick to still be alive. He isn't. He is dead. I'm sorry. If you want living Rick go read Lady Beckett or Fixing the Mistake.


	5. Chapter 4

4

Her jeans were loose; the waistband bunched up as she tugged her belt to the tightest setting. She put on sneakers and looked around for her purse. She got to Rick's wallet first. It had about $100 in cash in it. She took the money and her keys, then left the loft, taking the stairs so she wouldn't have to be still in the elevator.

She was in a kind of trance. She had to know. Knowing would be better than... thinking about it. She hadn't been eating. That could affect your cycle. As well as the shock. It would be that. It had to be that. There was no way...

"_Just a week to go," he muttered in her ear. _

"_I know," Kate said as she began to unbutton his shirt. "I can't wait. Mostly because I'll be able to _eat _again!"_

"_You don't have to starve yourself – you're a perfect size and shape."_

"_I want to fit into my dress. Hundreds of people will be looking at me."_

_"Nah, they'll be looking at me, because I'm famous," he teased. She punched him playfully in the ribs. He caught her fist, taking it to his mouth and kissing it before letting her go and dropping his shirt to the floor. She hurried out of her own clothes; he laughed a little at her haste. _

"_Why the rush?" he asked as she stepped out of her panties. She grinned at him. _

_"For someone so in love with himself, you aren't very aware of how attractive you are to other people," she said seductively. He almost blushed, it was such an unusual compliment to get from her, even now. She helped him get his pants off and stroked him through his boxers, enjoying the power she had over him both with her body and her words. _

_Enjoying it, but not holding on to it too much. Kate had always been dominant, it was part of her personality. But being with Rick had changed her a little. She still liked to be in charge, especially when they were at work, but letting him into her heart had meant that sometimes..._

"_You want to be the boss tonight?" she asked him. He kissed her softly, powerful but somehow gentle. He chuckled. _

"_Do you want me to be the boss?" he asked. She smiled, her eyes glowing. _

"_It's up to you," she said, running her fingers along him again. "But someone has to take charge of this," she looked down, "situation."_

_He laughed loudly now, knowing she was playing, loving that they could play like this. He tugged her with him to the night stand, opening the draw one handed and fishing in it for the box, his other hand gripping her body. _

"_Shit," he muttered. Kate took the empty box from him and made a face._

"_I could run out and get some," he suggested. Kate bit her lip._

_"You don't have to. I mean... there's a risk, but we'll be married in a week..."_

_He kissed her, hard, but broke away again, forcing himself to look into her eyes. _

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Positive. Anyway, I'm pretty much at my least fertile now, so... if something happens, that was one determined swimmer – and determination is a good characteristic." She was joking about it, but she was almost entirely motivated by wanting him inside her – and wanting him without a barrier. She knew he wanted it too. He was wonderful about it but she knew how restricting protection could be for a guy and in a way she wanted to give him more tonight. _

_He went back to kissing her, eager to accept her reasoning..._

No. It was crazy. She was careful but inevitably... the point was, she had never been pregnant before. She walked to the drugstore, barely even noticing the bright sunshine. She went in and picked up two tests. You were supposed to take two. The clerk looked at her with unashamed curiosity. He probably thought she was a druggie. She paid for the tests and went back to the loft. By the time she reached their – her – room again, she was completely exhausted. Everything was exhausting. Breathing was exhausting.

She thought about Rick. She still hadn't cried. She wondered what he would be like. Actually, she _knew _what he would be like, because they had done this before. She went through to the kitchen and drank a big glass of water, then opened one of the tests.

This was actually the third time she'd taken one.

_She was alone in her apartment. The Bracken stuff was over, or as over as it ever would be. She had said she wanted a night by herself. They were so new together, Rick was very understanding. She didn't tell him the real reason. There was no point, and it was incredibly unlikely, she just... _

_It had been so intense. Wonderfully intense, perfect, amazing, better than she had ever imagined. He had been so strong, so deep, so... much so that she had been a bit too caught up in things to know whether she had any real reason to be worried or not. _

_It was negative. She didn't tell him for years... she never saw the point. She had called him, though. She had just said she didn't want to be alone any more. He was there in fifteen minutes. He always came when she called. Always._

Always. But not any more. She looked at the lines forming and threw it away. You didn't get false positives. You got false negatives. She pulled off her sweater and shirt and looked in the mirror. How could there be..? Her ribs were showing. Her stomach went in, not out. She scooted her jeans down and pressed a hand to her womb. Surely she would be able to feel... something?

Her hand shot to her face. It was wet. She was crying. She gasped for air, huge sobs racking her body as emotion flooded through her. She was almost happy, almost relieved, because at least it proved she was human, that she really felt, that she...

She hurried to the bedroom and opened the laptop, looking up the number for her OBGYN. For once she was glad that her practice performed... those. She couldn't even think the word. She couldn't bear to say it, even in her head, but she wanted one.

She dialled the number on the landline; she still hadn't charged her cell.

"Serenity clinic, how may I help you?"

"I... I'd like to make an appointment," Kate managed.

"And you're registered? What's your name, please?"

"Uh.. Mrs Castle," Kate murmured. As a sort of joke, but also for convenience, she and Rick had called around to change her name everywhere before the wedding. But Kate had never introduced herself as his wife before.

"Ah, yes," the receptionist said. "Congratulations. I remember you coming in with your fiance."

Kate didn't know what to say for a moment. "Thank you," she said in the end, her voice hollow.

"I have a cancellation – I can fit you in this afternoon if you'd like, at four."

"Yeah... thanks, that would be great," she said, trying to sound at least a little more normal. If the receptionist noticed, she was polite enough not to say anything. Kate hung up and checked the time. She would have to leave in a couple of hours. She washed her face; her eyes were puffy and swollen. Then she began to tidy herself up. She brushed her teeth, did her hair, put on her own leather jacket rather than something of Rick's... it was almost like a game. Playing dress up. Today she was dressing up as Kate.

Time went quickly. Soon she was in the car, then she was parking, then in the waiting room... it rushed by. And then she was in the itchy blue gown on the strange bed in the middle of the room talking to a sweet female doctor whose name she couldn't remember no matter how hard she tried.

"So," the doctor was saying. "You are indeed pregnant. Congratulations."

Kate bit her lip; she was going to cry again but she was still going to say it. She just couldn't. She couldn't do it without him. It wouldn't be fair on the child.

"I want... I don't want to have the baby," she whispered, wiping at her tears with the back of her hand. The doctor looked at her.

"You don't have to decide right now, Mrs Castle. There are many options and a first time pregnancy is scary, but you're strong – you're underweight but that should be easy to fix. You have an excellent record of health. Susie tells me you're recently married? So, was this a surprise?"

Kate swallowed. "Yes," she said. "It was a surprise."

The doctor took her hand, her face the picture of understanding.

"The majority of pregnancies are unplanned, Mrs Castle. You may be uncertain now, but talk to your husband... does he know?"

Kate couldn't do it any more. She gritted her teeth. She was grateful to the team for keeping it out of the news, but it was still a little surprising that the doctor didn't know. She couldn't have been a fan.

"My husband died," she said. "And I do not want this baby."

The doctor stared at her for a moment before recovering herself.

"You can go and get changed," she told Kate gently. "I'll have the form and then the prescription ready in my office."

It was easy after that. She just had to go through the motions. She got dressed again, then went to sit opposite the doctor. She filled out the form and signed her name, then the doctor gave her a prescription. It was easier than she'd thought. She just had to take some pills. Two. A day apart.

"When you take the second one, you may want to have someone with you – you'll need the day off work," the doctor said gently. Kate nodded. She took the slip of paper and drove straight to the chemist. They gave her the pills without comment and she went home.

She read the instruction leaflet. One now, one tomorrow. One now, one tomorrow. She fetched herself a glass of water. She just had to do it. She had to get it over with.

She could not be a mother. She would be useless. She wasn't even managing to look after herself, how could she look after a baby? It wasn't anything yet. Just some cells. Just a few cells that couldn't feel, a few cells that had never been and would never be anything. She tipped the first pill into her hand and closed her eyes; she gripped the glass of water so tightly her knuckles were white.

She took a deep breath. She just had to do it. It would all be over in two days. She just had to do it.

* * *

A/N: Review. Now. Or I'll make it even sadder... Thanks for reading.


	6. Chapter 5

5

Kate put the pill under her tongue. It tasted sour in her mouth. She raised the glass of water to her lips, tears streaming down her cheeks, but her hand was shaking so much she slipped. It hit the edge of the counter and shattered, sending water spraying all over her-

"_You're such a klutz, Castle," she said, inspecting the cut on his hand. She got a cloth to clean it with and he winced as she sprayed on some antiseptic. _

"_It's okay," he said. "I have you to take care of me."_

_She bandaged up his hand and kissed it gently. "You'll have to be a bit more aware when we have someone else to take care of."_

_He stared at her for a moment before he realised she meant Connor, Kevin and Jenny's six month old baby. She winked. _

"_Getting a bit ahead of ourselves?" she asked. He chuckled. _

"_I did do a double take. But... You look after me so well, I'm sure you'll be able to add a baby to that no trouble."_

"_I'm expecting your help, Castle!"_

"_I know. I'll help. I can change diapers."_

_Kate bit her lip. "Honestly... I've never changed a diaper before."_

_Rick laughed. "I'll teach you. There's a knack to it."_

_Kate grinned. "Maybe you can just handle that side of things."_

Connor hadn't actually needed his diaper changing. He had slept the entire time. But Kate and Rick had watched him anyway, holding hands, saying very little, just smiling at this beautiful baby.

Kate looked at the pill. She had spat it out, back into her hand. She put it on the counter and looked at the mess of glass and water on the floor.

She had to take it. She had never even changed a diaper in her life! She couldn't do something like this without him. She...

It was a life. It was a life, just like her mother's had been a life, just like Rick's had been a life. Life was the weakest thing Kate knew about. It was so easy to get rid of, so easy to end.

She believed every life was priceless. She had even saved Bracken, because she didn't get to decide. But for once, this time, she _did _have the right to decide. The law said so. Everyone said so. It was her body, her life... Not that she wanted anything with them any more but... She was not fit to be a mother. Keeping Rick's baby would be the most selfish thing she could do. She would want so much from it and she wouldn't be able to give it anything back. Because she had nothing left to give. Her heart had died with her husband.

Rick was dead. That there was a part of him alive in her was...

Miraculous.

Which was why it couldn't happen. She couldn't take that, she couldn't use a life to comfort herself, and she would be using it. This was completely the wrong way to have a baby. Babies should have families, strong people who can support them, people who love them, people who aren't so broken they can barely get out of bed or into the shower.

"_Don't you think he's magical?" Rick whispered, looking at Connor's fluttering eyelids. _

"_Yeah," Kate breathed. _

"_He started out just a couple of cells. And then he grew, inside another person. And then-"_

_"I get it," Kate murmured. "I agree... Magic. Although, if it were really magic, maybe it would hurt less."_

"_Did you talk to Jenny about it?"_

"_She says it's totally worth it. She says you forget as soon as your holding the baby. Kevin says she almost broke his fingers. Maybe he shouldn't have let her hold his hand."_

_Rick chuckled. "Of course he should have. You're going to hold my hand."_

"_I haven't even decided if you're going to be allowed in the room."_

"_I'm in the room, Kate. I could be one of those lunatic fathers who videotapes his baby's birth."_

_Kate laughed. "Definitely the wrong end of the nine months to tape," she said with a grin. _

Fuck. The _tape. _Kate laughed loudly. It was just such an absurd thing to be thinking about. Rick hadn't shut up about taping them after that – but she had known he wouldn't when she brought it up. It was _really _stupid, she had been taking the piss the entire time; they both had.

She looked at the little pill that was still on the counter and all her reasons rushed through her head again. She would have no idea what she was doing as a mother.

She'd had no idea with the sex tape either. She was one of those people who got really uncomfortable in front of a camera; she wanted to be sexy and confident but inside she'd felt like she must be doing it all wrong. Of course, it hadn't mattered at all, but she had been sure she was going to mess it up and either start laughing or blushing at any moment. But she hadn't. She found it hilarious to watch – but largely because Rick had found her so hot when she had been making it all up on the spot. She had stripped for him. To music. To _music_.

But she'd done it. She'd done it for him, and for the experience, and because... you never knew until you tried.

"Fuck it," she said to the pill. She put it in the bin, along with the other one. That was $100 down the drain. She laughed _again_. Then she lifted up her shirt and looked at her stomach.

"I am keeping you because of a sex tape," she told it. "I think you're doomed. Now, let's go watch

me strip for your Daddy and his camera."

She laughed all the way through the video, too. She didn't know why it was _so _funny... just his _face_. Even when she had been ludicrously over the top. She called the clinic when it had ended – they stayed open just late enough for her to speak to the doctor. She explained she had decided to keep the baby. The doctor sounded very happy, but told her firmly to come in the next day for a proper appointment.

"And eat," the doctor, who was called Dr. Jones, Kate had finally remembered, said. "Eat healthily if you can, but eat lots. You're underweight, and you're eating for two now."

Kate said she would try. Dr. Jones seemed to want to say something else. Kate could tell, but she wasn't ready to hear it.

"I have to go," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She hung up and took off her shirt, looking again at her concave stomach.

"Hello?" she said to it. Even that was funny. She was sure there must be something wrong with her. She thought maybe she should tell someone. She shouldn't be alone.

"But I'm not alone, am I?" she said to her stomach. "You're hear, Baby. My blue eyed baby boy."

She kept this up for about half an hour before she collapsed into sobs again. It was as though all her emotion had been saving up for months and now it had suddenly to pour out of her in both the extremes. She was keeping her baby, her son, Rick's son, their son, but all her reasons for not doing so flooded back into her mind and she wondered if she'd done the right thing.

"Castle..." she whispered. "Did I... What should I do?"

He didn't answer. Bastard.

"Please, Castle, please talk to me. Please, just tell me what to do? I'm so... I'm so scared, Rick, I don't know what to do!" she sobbed.

He still said nothing.

"Please," she begged, her voice getting louder and more desperate. "Please just help me. Help me, tell me what we should do, don't leave me alone with... Your son! You have a son, you can't be gone, you have a son, you're going to have a son! But I... I don't know how to do it so I need you to help me..." she continued to beg, a stream of words both meaningful and meaningless – no one was there to hear her. It didn't matter what she said.

It took over an hour for her to cry herself to sleep, and even while she slept she continued to plead with him, murmuring for him to come back, to hold her, even to say something, to come and see, to come and talk to her, to let her tell him the news.

She wanted to see the look on his face. She wanted to see his face when she told him. His smile. She wanted him to kiss her, she wanted him to run his hand across her stomach and marvel at the fact that there was a life in there. She wanted to argue with him about what to call him, she wanted to argue about buggies and toys, she wanted him to buy the most absurd, idiotic toys and tell him her baby was going nowhere near anything like that.

Tears trickled down her cheeks, more slowly now that she slept, and she curled up into a ball, much as their baby would curl up inside her, dreaming of nothing but cold and despair.

* * *

A/N: Several people said they couldn't understand why Kate would want to get rid of the baby. I hope I've explained why she considered it - but as you see, she didn't (and was never going to). Thank you so much for all the reviews - I know it's horrible, I have cried writing every single chapter - I'm doing it because I want to explore these emotions, speak for these voices, and grow as a writer, I suppose. It is always hard to feel as though I'm writing emotion convincingly but I want to do it more so I get better at it. There you go - if you wanted to know why. There are more reasons... writing is so complicated and hard to explain. It's my life. That'll do.

Love to you all. xx


	7. Chapter 6

6

Dr. Jones took some blood and prescribed her pre-natal vitamins.

"What changed your mind?" the doctor asked. Kate bit her lip. She wasn't really sure – she couldn't say 'a sex tape' but if she was honest... There hadn't been much else.

"I just... couldn't do it," she said eventually. The doctor nodded.

"You've been through a lot, Mrs Castle. I... It might be a good idea for you to see a psychologist."

"I don't think that will be necessary," Kate said, surprised at how cool and calm she sounded. Dr. Jones nodded.

"It's completely up to you. But it can help-"

"I don't need that kind of help," Kate said firmly. _I just need my husband back_.

Dr. Jones pressed her lips together, maintaining her kind, soothing expression.

"Very well. I'll see you back here in a month."

"Thanks," Kate said, willing her hand not to shake as she took the prescription.

"Call me if you have any questions or concerns," Dr. Jones told her. Kate said that she would. She couldn't wait to leave the office. Now that the floodgates had opened, she could barely control her shaking body enough to walk, let alone successfully hold back the tears. She got to her car before she broke down completely, sobbing and screaming and cursing the child that was growing inside her, hating and loving it equally passionately.

It was half an hour before she was calm enough to start the car and drive back to the loft, and even then she had to pull over twice to get herself together enough not to crash. She parked in the underground lot and sat back in the seat, unfastening her seatbelt and closing her eyes, tears dripping down her cheeks again.

"_Aren't you going to get out of the car?"_

"_I'm happy here," she said softly as his hand moved up from her knee. Rick reached across and shifted her closer to him, tilting her head to kiss her, softly, but with a determination which made it impossible for her to mistake his intentions. _

_"Still staying in the car?" he asked her. She sighed. She was so comfortable, he was here, it was dark, there was no one else in the lot... It had been a long day at work; she just didn't feel like moving._

"_Staying in the car," she murmured. _

"_As you wish," he said. His right hand snaked steadily higher as he used his left to prop himself up on the back of her seat as he kissed her. She felt for the adjuster lifted it, scooting her seat right back and tipping the backrest down as far as it would go. It clicked in with a jolt which caused Rick's hand to reach its destination faster than he'd planned. He chuckled. _

"_Sorry," he said. Kate mumbled something unintelligible, but she definitely wasn't complaining. Rick was sort of crouching in the footwell now; his knees were resting on the lip of her seat. Kate scooted back so he cold get on the chair properly; she didn't want him to be uncomfortable. He chuckled when her knee hit the door as she tried to spread her legs more open for him. _

"_Still happy with staying in the car?" he asked her. _

"_Works better the other way up," she said, but his right hand was now working on the zipper of her pants, so her focus was rather compromised. _

"_We can worry about that in a minute," he muttered in her ear. "Let's just deal with you first."_

_His voice was enough to get her several yards closer to the finish line. He began to unbutton her shirt, one handed. She was impressed. They hadn't done this before. He pushed her back even further so her head was almost on the back seat, positioning her so his mouth could enjoy her chest. She let out a little moan as his teeth found a nipple through the lace of her bra. _

_The hand was inside her pants now, his fingers creeping into her as his mouth made its way up her neck and then further, so his lips could connect with hers again. He was so clever, touching her so well, just avoiding the spot where she wanted him most until the very last tantalising second. _

_"Castle," she groaned as he finally brushed her centre. _

"_Hmm?" he asked, pulling his mouth away to watch her as she opened her lustful eyes and looked into his. His fingers still moved inside her, she didn't even know what his hand was doing but it was perfect._

"_Nothing," she gasped. He winked at her just before – he could read exactly when she was going to come. _

"_I think you enjoyed that as much as I did," she told him when she finally returned to herself. He chuckled and slid his hand away from her, getting back into his seat. "Which is saying something," she added, giving praise where praise was due._

"_I can't deny, you are very enjoyable to watch," he told her. _

That had been before I love you, even. Well, not his. But hers... So long ago. When they were just starting out. No one at work had even found out yet... Kate followed this train of thought because it was easier than any other, and easy to get absorbed in. She couldn't remember if it had been before or after the Hamptons... she thought before? Their first few weeks had been action packed to say the least. This had still been in the time where they could hardly keep their hands off each other.

Snatched moments in the break room, coming in late together, even kissing in the elevator. It had been so much fun... Everything with Rick was fun. He was so full of humour, so full of-

-life.

Kate looked in her purse at the leaflet Dr. Jones had given her. It said things about food, about resting, about... sex. She bit her lip, willing the tears not to start pouring again but it was no good. Of course sex wasn't all of it, anything like all of it, but... she was never going to have sex again. Ever. She was thirty-five years old and that was it.

She would never be kissed again. She didn't want to be! Not by anyone but him, the thought made her sick. She just wanted him, Rick, his mouth hot on hers, his body on top of her, inside her, filling her, making her whole.

She would have given it all up, of course, in a second, just to have him. She would shave her head, chop off her arms, give away all her money, if only she could have him. He was all she needed. But fucking hell, she needed him. She got out of the car, feeling trapped in there now. She locked it and went upstairs. The loft was empty.

No one knew. She ought to tell someone. But... she couldn't bear the idea of the pain in their faces, or the hope. She didn't want to see either. And she still didn't know what she was going to do... If she was honest with herself, she knew she would keep the baby. The little blue eyed boy, the perfect blue eyed boy. But she didn't want everyone to be involved. They would try to help her, they would worry about her, they would crowd her when all she wanted was to be alone.

So although the phone was there, begging her to pick it up and tell this grieving family something they could cling to, she didn't use it. She felt terrible for not giving them this lifeline, but the thing was, the baby was still inside her. If he was the lifeline, she was the lifeline. And she didn't think she could cope with being clung to, even by people she loved as much as Alexis and Martha. She thought about her father. She could tell him but it would be unfair to swear him to secrecy, and... he would only worry, too.

She looked through the leaflet again. Food. She might be a horrible person and an awful candidate for a mother, but she could follow instructions as simple as these. No alcohol. In a kind of trance, she took all the bottles out of the cabinet, and the three from her room, and poured their contents down the sink. She put the glass in the recycling. Then she looked in the fridge. She was greeted by a stench that almost knocked her over. She slammed it shut and opened the drawer containing take out menus. Her speciality.

"_Why do you hate grocery shopping so much? You can cook?"_

"_It's time consuming. And take out is better."_

_"It's bad for you."_

"Do I look unhealthy to you?" she teased. She knew he was right, really, and for all her coffees and fast food, she actually paid attention to her health, eating fresh fruit and veg when she could, going for runs, drinking smoothies and fruit juice... Her body seemed to like her. It didn't protest much no matter what she put in it. 

"_I'm going to teach you how to cook," he said. _

"_I can cook breakfast," she said defensively._

"_You make the best bacon and eggs I've ever tasted. And you're not bad at pasta either... I think you just pretend. But I will school the pretending out of you. Come on," he said, coming up behind her and closing the menu drawer. "Let's cook something together."_

Kate dialled the number of their favourite Thai place and ordered a few dishes. She wasn't really hungry but for all she knew the baby might be... It was something Rick might have said. She felt her lip tremble and just gave in, letting her eyes cry themselves out again. She poured herself a glass of water and drank it slowly. It wasn't so bad. It was kind of refreshing. She hiccuped, then refilled the glass. She remembered the vitamins but on reading the packet she found that you were supposed to take them in the morning.

Her food arrived; she managed to pay without crying over her twenty dollar bill or the delivery guy's beard that Rick would have found hilarious. She automatically got out a plate and put her food on it, then chuckled. That was totally a Castle thing, eating take out off a plate with a knife and fork. It came in a box you could eat out of with disposable cutlery and everything – using a plate just created washing up. But she was so used to doing it this way now...

"_Look on the bright side, you can eat take out from the carton for the rest of your life now."_

She _heard _him. She heard him laughing! She actually looked around, expecting to see him walk out of the kitchen carrying his own plate, to come and sit with her at the table. His voice had just popped into her mind, she'd been thinking about him, but she hadn't known what he would say... And yet, there he was. Talking to her. Joking with her.

"Rick?" she asked quietly into the now eerily silent apartment.

"_Yes, Mrs Castle?"_

She dropped her fork; it fell onto her plate with a clang. She didn't believe in ghosts or anything like that – and she knew it wasn't a ghost. It was in her mind. But... _he _was in her mind. She could feel him there, smiling, chuckling, bubbling away as he always did. She didn't have to think about it or figure out what he might say – he just said it. He was inside her and he just spoke, instantly, saying exactly the right thing.

"_Calm down," _he said gently. _"You have to eat. I'm not going anywhere."_

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, please review. X


	8. Chapter 7

7

Kate finished her meal and washed the plate. She felt sick, but she always felt sick, and all that food must have been a shock to her system after eating next to nothing for the past month. Other than sick, she felt... weird.

"Castle," she muttered experimentally.

"_Right here,"_ the voice in her head replied. And it was that – it couldn't be anything more. It was a voice in her head. But it was still _him_. It was _his _voice.

"Am I crazy?" she asked.

"_Not at all,"_ he told her.

"Is it really you?"

"_It's really me."_

"But how can you be real?"

"_Because my heart is in you just as yours was in me. You lost a part of yourself, but the part of me that's in you lives on."_

"We're... there's a baby. We're going to have a son."

"_I love you."_

"But I... I don't know if I can do it without you, Castle."

"_You can do it, Kate."_

"I do have to. I... I had the pills but I couldn't end it. It's not my life to end, not this one that's only just started. It's not my choice to make."

"_You'll be okay. I promise."_

Kate bit her lip. "I don't want to do it without you. I don't want to do anything without you."

"_But you will, you'll get through this," _he said gently. She sat down on the bed; she could almost feel his arms around her, stroking her shoulders, soothing her...

"Where are you, now? Where's the rest of you?"

"_I'm with you, Kate. I'll always be with you."_

"Will I ever see you again?"

"_We will be together, one day. You'll get through this."_

Kate banged her fist down on the bed. "But I don't want to get through it," she cried. "I don't want to get over you. I shouldn't have to. You should still be here!"

"_You shouldn't be here. But there's nothing I can do to change anything... All I can do is tell you that I love you, and that it's going to be alright."_

"I don't know how it can be alright. How can I go on without you? I... There's nothing for me. Nothing but the baby, and I'm only going to mess it up."

"_I don't want you to be alone. But you're not, really. There are people all around you who love you – your father, Lanie, Alexis – they all want to see you, and they desperately want to see you better."_

"I know I'm not really alone. I know I have people... I just... I want you!"

"_I can stay with you like this for as long as you need."_

"I... it doesn't make sense. I can't... I can't do it with out you."

"_You can do it, Kate! You can. You can do anything, you can pull through!"_

"I hope you're right. In a way I don't want you to be... But I hope I can be a good mother."

"_I'm right. You're going to get through this. I love you." _

Kate stood up and pulled out a shirt of Rick's to change into. It still smelled like him... Really it smelled like laundry powder. But there was a hint, a hint of something else and that something was him. She was sure. She would never forget. She would never forget his smell, his smile, how she felt when those bright blue eyes looked at her, how she felt when he touched her, the things they talked about, everything they'd done together, everything...

She would remember it all. She had to.

And she would tell it all to their son. He would know his father. He had to know his father. She pressed a hand to her stomach; there was some pain there. She bit her lip, but had to rush to the bathroom. She was going to be sick! She got there just in time, losing her entire meal, the meal she had been so proud to eat.

She brushed her teeth and shuddered in the cold bathroom. She had a headache now, too.

"_Kate? Kate!"_

"I'm here, Castle."

"_I love you, Kate. What's happening to you?"_

"I was just sick, and now I have a headache. I'm fine."

"_Look after yourself, sweetheart."_

"Sweetheart?"

She could have sworn she heard him chuckle, that bubbly sound that always rippled through her. He could always make her laugh, make her smile, make the world less painful.

_It had been such a long day. Work had been wearing, and Gates, though softening on them, had been in a bad mood. _

"_Sometimes I hate my job," Kate said, slamming her bag down on the table. _

"_You had the chance to leave it."_

"_I don't hate it _that _much. Anyway... you wouldn't be able to follow me around at another job."_

"_I'm sure I would find a way."_

"_Stop looking so happy. I'm in a bad mood. You can't just grin at me and fix it."_

"_Sure I can. Well, I might have to do more than grinning, but," he took hold of her and pulled her into him so her hips bumped with his, "not much."_

_"I'm sorry, Castle, I'm just not in the mood."_

"_Kate Beckett, not in the mood?"_

"_Oh shut up."_

_"What? You're an unbelievably horny person, you know?"_

_Kate had to let out a giggle. "How did you come to that conclusion?"_

"_Firstly... you totally fell for me first. Then there's every time we've gone to the Hamptons. And not to mention..." he let his hand roam over her ass and she made a face; he shunted her to the wall and pressed her against it, then moved his hand around to the front. He planted a powerful kiss on her mouth, then slid his hand into her pants. He pulled it out again and looked at it pointedly._

"_See?" he said. Kate looked at the bulge in his jeans._

_"You ain't proved jack," she told him, pulling him back to kiss her, laughing at the same time._

"_Sure I have," he said into her mouth. "Well, I haven't exactly...proved...anything," he said, pausing between words to attack her neck with his mouth, "but I have got you totally in the mood, you're cheered up, and you want to have sex with me, which was the whole plan anyway."_

_Kate laughed again, letting him begin to undress her, letting him soothe her._

"_You're magic," she told him._

"_I know," he said. "So are you."_

"Fuck!" Kate yelled into the mirror. "Why? Why the hell is this happening? And shut up Castle, seriously, if I hear you tell me one more time that it's going to be okay I am going to scream."

"_It is going to be okay, Kate."_

"Seriously? You're even a jackass dead!" she yelled, slamming her fist into the mirror. It didn't break, which was a good thing really, but not very satisfying. She rubbed her hand and burst into tears again, running into the bedroom so she didn't have to look at herself.

She could feel the baby inside her now, she knew he was there and she hated him, she hated him just as she hated herself, because they had lived and Castle hadn't and the world was just wrong now.

She sobbed for hours, drowning in her guilt, guilt about her anger and her anger with the baby.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's not your fault. I love you, Castle."

"_I love you, Kate. I won't leave you."_

It was only with his comfort that she was finally able to fall asleep.

* * *

A/N: We're actually getting near... something, which I am going to give you the first hint about. I have kept SUPER quiet about up until now. Actually I may even have misled you – don't trust author's notes. But if you guess the end I will dedicate the final chapter to you!


	9. Chapter 8

8

"_Good morning, Kate."_

Kate woke up to Castle's voice and had to smile for him. He wasn't even there. It was stupid. She reached down to her stomach.

"Good morning baby," she said softly. She felt... better, today. She didn't feel like eating. But she felt better. She took her vitamin pill and showered and dressed. There. She looked in the cabinet and found some cereal and long life milk. She could manage a little...

It tasted like cardboard, but she ate. She felt as though Castle was constantly beside her, telling her that she was going to pull through. She liked it, it was comforting... she knew it was just her mind playing tricks on her, but it was nice to know that she hadn't forgotten him, that she knew what he would say.

She kept her cereal down; she was hugely proud. She wondered what to do next. She had spent a month sitting crying. A large part of her just wanted to curl back up in bed and cry some more, but Rick had said... Rick had said she would get through this. Rick believed she was strong enough, Rick loved her, and... She had to do something.

It was a while before she plucked up the courage to leave the apartment; time seemed fluid and irregular. But not long after her successful breakfast, the morning came where she decided to go to the park. It was strange... she walked around on her own, looking at all the people with all their lives that she would never know anything about.

She clenched her fists, forcing herself to still be strong. She felt her eyes prickling with tears when she saw a couple sitting together on a swing set... And then she saw a young woman pushing her small child on the smaller swings and touched a hand to her stomach. The woman was smiling and laughing; so was her little boy. Kate bit her lip as a young man came over and hugged the woman from behind. She sat down on a bench and no matter what she did, she couldn't stop the tears from starting eventually.

"I love you, Castle," she murmured.

"_I love you, Kate."_

Kate wondered how long this was going to last. She felt as though her heart was being twisted in her chest; she was in constant pain. His voice gave her comfort but... it was just a voice. It wasn't enough. She didn't think she could stand to live her whole life, bring up a child, live into old age, feeling like this. But she couldn't imagine the pain ever stopping, either. And she didn't want it to. In a way she was glad of it. It reminded her of what they had been, who she had been, how in love she had been... But it was going to haunt her for the rest of her life.

So what kind of a life would that be?

People dealt with death. She saw them do it – and she had done it. She had gotten past her mother's death and moved on, lived her life... It had taken years, but she had made it... Only to have everything taken from her again. Her broken heart had healed. Such a thing was possible. But she just didn't know any more.

Rick had been such a constant, her solid ground... even before they were together, she had known that she could rely on him. She had almost taken it for granted that he would be around for the rest of her life. He had too. That didn't mean that they hadn't been grateful for each other _to each other_, but in her mind... She had always believed, no matter what she said about making every day count, that she and Rick would grow old together.

She couldn't imagine life without him. She had let him in, she had relinquished her independence, and... now what? What was she supposed to do?

It was still progression, though. Crying on that park bench, questioning her future, questioning her past, even... It was more thinking than she had been doing. It had been a month. She didn't even know the date. She got out her phone, charged for once, and realised it had been more than a month. Nearly two. Nearly two months of wasted days – but there was nothing really left to waste.

She looked down at her stomach and realised she would be showing soon. She would have to make another appointment with Dr. Jones... she would have to tell people. This baby was really happening. It didn't know that she wasn't ready, that she wasn't coping, that she didn't want it to come yet. She had six months, and then it would be here, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She would have to buy clothes for it, food, diapers, a cradle, a high chair, toys... How did people even know what to get? She had no idea... Maybe she should buy a book. Pregnant women read books. But the thought of a book store now...

She could look it up online. She could use Rick's laptop, she used it a lot. Mostly to look at pictures or read things he had written. But sometimes to look at other things. He had been trying to make her watch a web series – they'd started but they'd only managed one episode before everything got pushed aside for the wedding. She'd watched that. And then there were his other favourite shows. She had even watched Valentine's day so she could think about him squirming through it and telling her she had lost her turn.

It would always be her turn now.

She drew her knees up to her chest and looked back towards the play area. Children made her feel strange. Part of her wanted to talk to them, to play with them, to learn about them so she knew something for when her baby came. Another part of her hated them. They were so innocent, so happy... They lived in such a cruel world.

She didn't want to talk to Rick when she was in such a public place, but she desperately wished she could hear his voice.

"Castle?" she called out in her mind. Nothing happened.

"Castle," she whispered, barely audible, just enough to be saying it rather than thinking about it.

"_I'm here, Kate. I'm always going to be here."_

He sounded worried. She didn't blame him. If she saw her, she would be worried. She would be worried about the baby, too. She had been eating – since she'd managed that breakfast, meals had been a little easier. She had to buy some food today; she was running low on canned soup and pasta.

Every little step. She got up from the bench. The loft seemed so far away, and she didn't really want to go back.

"Take it one step at a time, Katie."

Her father had told her that. She had been exhausted, on a hike somewhere, as a little girl. Too big to carry, though. And he had told her that she could do it, that she could do anything. All she had to do was take it one step at a time. The same had applied to math homework, and even getting over crushes.

One step. She took one, towards the exit of the park and the market she would go to. The pain stayed the same. She took another step. Nothing significant happened. And although she had to think about every step, she made it to the market. She picked up a basket and collected some food; she got to the checkout and paid for it. She took the bag from the cashier and left the store.

Each tiny thing took so much effort, but she always had the strength for one more, one more step.

She was crying again by the time she reached the loft, but she had made it. She put the bag on the counter and lay down on the couch, exhausted and finally hidden from the world.

She didn't want it to get easier... but she thought she might need it to if she was going to go on... doing anything. She cried and cried into the suede leather, probably ruining the expensive material. It didn't matter – she was rich now. She banged her fists into the cushions, almost like a toddler throwing a tantrum. There was only one thing she wanted and she screamed for it, screamed as she had done many a time before, when she thought all was lost. And he had always been there, he had always come for her.

"Castle..."

* * *

A/N: I am totally inspired to write the rest of this now, it's getting pretty late but tomorrow and the next day are designated 'study days' (only by me - so mature!) so we'll see what happens... Please review!


	10. Chapter 9

9

She couldn't always hear his voice. As much as she was sure that it was all in her head, she couldn't just call him to mind. He would talk to her often, but she didn't feel as if she controlled it. In her saddest moments he would be there, though.

"_Come on, Kate. I'm here, I love you," _he would say, and she would somehow find the strength to go to the doctor's appointment, to eat the meal, even to see Alexis or buy some baby things. Days turned into weeks, and the screaming agony in her chest became so normal... a part of life.

She even thought about going back to work, but Gates wouldn't let her. She was having a baby now. Four months pregnant; she was having to wear new clothes. She liked Rick's sweats and t-shirts but she needed things to go out in.

She would stand in front of the bathroom mirror for hours at night, just looking at the swelling of her stomach in misery and wonder.

"I wish you could see this, Castle," she murmured. It was October now, getting colder. The baby was due at the end of March. He might even have the same birthday as his father. "I wish you were here."

"_I'm here. I'll always be with you, Kate. Always."_

A tear dribbled down her face.

"But you're not," she said quietly. "You're not really with me. Your voice... It seems so real, but it can't be."

She still saw his blood on her hands sometimes. She still felt his arms around her; sometimes she woke up convinced they were in bed together. She left the bathroom. The apartment was dark; she left it that way. The moonlight seeping in through the windows was enough for her to find her way around. She looked at the silhouettes of all his things, all their things. The loft had been completely his space when she had moved in, but he had made sure it became hers too. Half of the ornaments were ones she had collected; there were pictures on the walls that she'd had in her old apartment...

She sat down at the piano. She'd never really been able to play. She'd liked the idea of it and she had a good ear; she could sing well enough. She touched a key... Rick had been able to play.

_He bent over her, stroking her right hand with his. _

"_That's a C," he told her. "C is the one before the two black notes. Then the white notes go up in letters, but only A to G."_

_Kate tentatively moved her fingers along the white notes, finding that it was much harder than it looked to make them work independently of each other._

"_They all want to move at once," she told Castle. He smiled._

"_It gets easier very quickly if you practise. Here." He took out a narrow music book. "This explains everything."_

_Kate turned around. "I think I'd learn better if you taught me," she said, shivering happily as she felt his warm breath on her neck._

_"I think we might be at risk of getting rather distracted."_

_Kate leaned back into him. "Re-enacting scenes from Pretty Woman?"_

_Rick laughed loudly. "Is that a fantasy of yours?"_

_Kate moved up to kiss him. "Might be," she murmured into his mouth._

They had done that... a lot. Kate had to smile in the darkness. She missed it. So damn much. She missed other things more, of course, and she missed everything, but their type of relationship... they had just been so wonderfully compatible, it would have been stupid not to take advantage of that. And neither of them were stupid.

She hadn't thought the sex would get boring, but she had thought she might get used to it after months and years of sharing his bed every night. But she just... hadn't. And she knew he had felt the same. They had barely grown out of the every night stage, and this was after _years. _

Maybe it was good she was pregnant, so her hormones were doing different things anyway. She didn't know how she would cope otherwise. She wasn't opposed to getting her own satisfaction, but the problem was, after being with Rick, it wasn't satisfying for very long.

She sounded another note on the piano. Maybe she should learn. Do something more with her time. She had been reading a lot; Rick had a huge collection of books. Just touching things he had touched, holding things he had held, made her feel closer to him.

The baby was growing so fast. Maybe he would learn to play the piano. She wondered what he would be like. She imagined him as a beautiful blue eyed boy, with messy brown hair and Rick's cheeky smile.

"On my own," she murmured.

"_You're not alone, Kate."_

"Yes I am," she told him. He was just a voice. He wasn't really here.

"_I'm always going to be with you."_

"This isn't you. I... How can it be enough?"

"_I love you. You'll get through it."_

He always said the same things, so reassuring, so gentle and kind.

"_Please wake up, Kate."_

"What? I am awake." She sighed. He was talking about her life. She was doing nothing with it. She was just waiting... waiting for the baby, willing herself to be strong enough to give him a good life.

"Do you think I'll be a good mother?" she asked cautiously.

"_You're going to be fine, Kate, I promise," _he replied. She sighed. He always said that. He had complete faith in her, he always said she was going to be fine. His voice was getting stronger. It was creepy. When she had first heard him, talking about eating take out and calling her Mrs Castle... she was pretty sure, now, that it had been in her mind. But this... his 'please wake up' had sounded so raw with emotion, so desperate... and she hadn't been feeling that at all. It felt as though it had come from outside, too, not inside her head. She looked around, almost wishing there was someone in the apartment with her so she could ask whether they'd heard it too.

It had to be in her head. It had to be.

Voices coming out of the darkness. Well, just one voice, but still... it definitely suggested mental instability. Which was fair enough... she was messed up. Utterly messed up. But...

It didn't seem like a voice in her head. She was aware of hearing it, aware that it was her mind re-creating him because she missed him so badly... so she wasn't crazy.

But this... it hadn't felt like her mind. It was as if there was an echo of him, an echo that stood beside her to reassure her, to tell her she would be okay. She had tried having regular conversations with him and it didn't work. She couldn't just snap her fingers and hear him.

She went back to bed. She needed sleep, she had to go shopping in the morning. And she wanted to sort out a bedroom. A bedroom for the baby. Their baby...

When would she tell him? When would he ask about his father? When would he find out that it should have been her – and him – that died? How would she explain?

Rick had grown up without a father, and he said you couldn't miss something you had never had, but Kate wasn't so sure... And how would she manage not to be sad? How would she manage to be strong for him?

"_You're the strongest person I know, Kate. You can do this."_

"You always say just the right thing," she murmured into the pillow, curling up in bed so she was hugging it, just as she used to curl up around him. "Goodnight, Castle."

"_I love you, Kate. Goodnight."_

"I love you too."

Even as she said it, she wondered if she should talk to someone about... letting go. The idea of it made her sick, but she had the baby to think about, and Alexis and Martha... She wanted to prove it to him, as well, that she was strong enough, as strong as he thought she was. She had to live her life without him, she had to go on and show people that she wasn't broken. She had to keep bring justice to people, and she had to be a mother that she would be proud of.

"For our son," she whispered.

She had to move on.

She was crying again, her tears soaking into his fancy sheets with their super-high thread count. She would always sleep in sheets like this, always eat her fast food off a plate... He was with her. Something about him would always be with her, she could feel it.

* * *

A/N: As always, please review. I know it's sad... And I'm not giving anything away, but please don't give up hope - I believe in endings with at least some kind of resolution. (Also - don't trust author's notes. lol)


	11. Chapter 10

10

"_Kate, Kate, I love you, KATE!"_

Kate woke up soaked in sweat, shaking, absolutely terrified. She had no idea what had happened... What _had _happened? Where was she? She looked around at the familiar surroundings, Castle's loft, the bedroom that was now hers as well as his...

She put a hand to her stomach, stroking it protectively. It was alright. The baby was alright. She got out of bed... She needed a shower.

She went into the bathroom, turning on the water and taking off her clothes. She almost felt as if she was living in a kind of dream, a trance... She staggered as she stepped into the shower, slipping on the wet floor, her hand flying to her suddenly pounding head. She groaned loudly as pain also spread to her stomach.

There was blood. Far too much blood. So bright and read against the white floor, eerily familiar to the blood on her white wedding dress, so much blood, everywhere, all over everything, all over her.

She screamed as pain seared through her body, making her spasm on the bathroom floor. More blood, more and more, pouring out from between her legs. She knew what was happening. She screamed and screamed. She had to get to the phone. It was agony but she made it, dialling the ambulance, giving the address.

"How can I save him?" she asked desperately. The woman on the phone didn't say anything, just that the medics would be there soon, to lie down and not strain her body.

It was their baby. The one thing she had left. The one part of Rick that had been going to live on and she was losing him, she was losing him and there was nothing she could do.

She screamed again as she felt another wave of pain shoot through her. A contraction. She sobbed and screamed and cursed her weak, feeble body. She had only had one thing to hold on to and she was losing it, she could tell she was losing it.

The next surge of pain was too much for her; she collapsed unconscious on the bedroom floor.

* * *

An ambulance, a hospital bed, a white room, doctors, nurses... it all passed in a blur. She felt terrible. Her whole torso; she could hardly tell where the pain was coming from.. She was dressed in a gown, the bed was uncomfortable, she just wanted to go home...

...there were people standing over her again, excited people, she felt like exhibit A at a science fair...

...someone was talking but it was too dark; they were too far away to hear...

_Kate. Kate, I love you, KATE!_

What had happened? She had been... she had been taking a shower. She had been taking a shower and then...

She strained to open her eyes but she couldn't move enough to reach the call button. Everything was so blurry, she could barely make out the shapes of anything, let alone see where a nurse was or how to get to one.

Someone was shouting. There was lots of running, a bustle of activity around her, more shouting, calling for different people, different doctors, and someone else?

Dr. Jones. Kate wondered if she knew, if she would be disappointed. She didn't even know... she was sure he was gone. But she couldn't be totally certain. She couldn't move her hand to reach down and feel for the bulge of her stomach, she felt so weak, so tired...

She tried to open her eyes again while the people were there but the lids were so heavy they only flickered. She could have sworn someone screamed at that, a scream not of terror but of joy. Was someone holding her hand? Was someone talking to her? What was happening?

She gave up trying to work it all out. She was so tired, thinking hurt. She just wanted to sleep. She allowed herself to settle, allowed herself to drift off somewhere safe...

"_Kate? Can you hear me? Kate?"_

Rick. She groaned at herself. She must be on some strange medication, completely addled... She wished more than anything that he could be here, though. Even a drug induced Castle was better than no Castle at all.

She tried to force her eyes open but it was no use. Her thoughts were sluggish; what felt like a few moments to her could have been an hour or a day at the hospital. She wondered what had happened inside her. Worse than a miscarriage? But what could it have been?

Her head had been hurting. She occupied herself with trying to organist her mind, talking to herself inside it.

"My name is Katherine Beckett, now Katherine Castle. I am thirty-five years old. My husband died on July 12th, our wedding day. I was pregnant with our child. I am a homicide detective, though I'm on extended leave right now. I... I know Alexis Castle and Martha Rodgers. Mt father is Jim Beckett. My mother was Johanna Beckett. My colleagues are Kevin Ryan, and he's married to Jenny and they have a baby son named Connor, and Javier Esposito. My boss is... my boss was Roy Montgomery. Now my boss is Captain Gates. I... My favourite colour is purple. When I was little I wanted to be the first female chief of justice..."

She went round and round in circles, reciting everything she could about herself, trying to keep focused. And she felt herself getting stronger.

She didn't know how long it took; time wasn't... making as much sense as it used to. But the day came when she tried yet again to open her eyes, and she could. She blinked in the bright light of the room, looking around. She opened her mouth and let out a dry croak as she tried to speak. She had very little strength – but she could move. She reached out and touched the red button at the side of the bed.

Someone cam running immediately, a nurse with the biggest smile Kate had ever seen.

"You're awake!" the nurse said cheerfully.

"My... my baby..." she murmured, but the nurse was already going to get the doctor. It was a man she didn't recognise. He asked her lots of questions, she tried to answer, but she was so tired. He told her she could go back to sleep, that she would be under 24 hour surveillance now, and there would be plenty of time to talk when she woke up.

Everything was still very painful, but it wasn't long before she opened her eyes again and a nurse used the controller to tilt the bed so she was sitting a little more upright. She blinked.

"Where's the doctor?" she asked.

"He'll be making his rounds in about an hour. But right now, there's someone waiting outside who has been here every day, and he would very much like to see you. Can I send him in?"

Kate wondered who it could be.

"Sure," she said, trying to make out the tall dark figure through the small frosted panel in the door. The nurse smiled.

"You are one lucky girl," she said. "He's fantastic."

* * *

A/N: Look at all the guessing! Clever little people! Please review, as always.


	12. Chapter 11

11

"Josh?"

She stared at him, wondering how the hell he could be here. Why was he here? He hurried to her side and grabbed her hand.

"Kate, I'm so glad you're okay," he said, sitting in the chair beside the bed. "I was so worried – but I've been here every day, I always told you that you'd be alright. I knew you you would wake up."

Kate started at him.

"What do you mean? And... what about the baby?"

"Sorry – what baby? And... I love you – that's how I knew you'd wake up."

"My baby... I was pregnant, Josh. You love me?"

"I know we hadn't said it yet but..."

"Josh. Please tell me what happened. I feel so strange," Kate said, putting a hand to her head.

"Does that hurt? I can get you something for the pain-"

"No. No, I just want to know what happened."

Josh squeezed her hand. "I don't know... I don't know how much you remember, but... you were shot. You've been in a coma."

"I was... what?"

"It's probably good that you don't remember. What do you remember?"

Kate looked at her hands and realised that her wedding ring was missing. She looked around the hospital, she looked at Josh... They had broken up! Why was he here? He was acting as though everything was exactly the same, he even looked exactly the-

"What's the date?" she asked suddenly.

"It's... September third 2012."

"2012?" Kate asked in disbelief.

"I know a year is a long time, Kate, but-"

"No, it's... so when was I shot?"

"Just over a year ago. You've been in and out of a coma... The prognosis... I mean, your brain showed signs of a lot of activity, so there was always a good chance you would wake up, and they systematically tried a lot of different drug.. cocktails, you could call them... And it seems this latest one did the trick. We'll be keeping a very careful eye on you, but as I said, your brain seems healthy, and you're healed... You'll need to build your strength up gradually but the initial wound that took you out.. there's hardly a trace of it left."

Kate squeezed her eyes shut, trying to make sense of _any _of what he was saying. She was shot at... She thought hard, trying to remember... Everything was so hazy.

"Josh, I... I can hardly remember anything," she said honestly. "I think I... I was dreaming."

"That's entirely possible. The state you were in is very prone to inducing very real fantasy scenarios, which can last a completely different length of time to the time passing in real life. I'm sorry, I must be overloading you with information. It can be very disorientating. A lot of people have visited you, though – sometimes what people say to you can filter in to your dream... so you may know more about what's happened in the past year than you think you do. What happened... where were you?"

"I... It's all just a blur really. There are a few names, a few faces, but... nothing concrete," she lied. "Tell me... tell me what was happening when I was shot..?"

Josh frowned. "You were at Montgomery's funeral."

Kate nodded. She knew Montgomery was dead.

"You... you were making your speech at the podium and you were shot by a sniper. The bullet stopped your heart. The surgeons got it beating on its own again... but you didn't wake up. It isn't unheard of... we're still learning new things every day about how the body reacts to trauma."

Kate tried to think of something to say, but... she couldn't remember-

_Kate. Kate, I love you, KATE!_

_Everything was falling away, fading to black, and it HURT so much but he was there and she wished she could speak and tell him she loved him too before it was too late but then-_

Kate blinked.

"Was Castle with me? At the funeral?"

"Yes... Yes, Kate, he was standing beside you," Josh said rather sourly.

"So I've... I've been here for a year?"

"Yes."

"And I'm... thirty-two?"

"Yes, that's right. It'll be hard at first but everything will come back to you."

"I remember," she said quietly. "I remember being shot."

He put his arm around her.

"You're going to be okay."

"Will you tell them... I mean, my friends, and work – what about my job?"

"Trust you to be worried about your job. Don't worry, I'll let everyone know. You get some rest now – I expect you'll be getting a lot of visitors soon."

Kate tried not to shrink away as he kissed her gently on the lips. She was with Josh? She barely even _remembered _him! That had all been so long ago, she had been getting married to another man and now she was back to being Josh Davidson's girlfriend?

She couldn't help it, she started to cry. She settled in the bed, utterly exhausted, and there was only one person on her mind. Castle.

* * *

"Hey, beautiful..."

Josh was stroking her hair. She groaned as she sat up and forced herself not to brush his hand away, even though his touch made her shudder – and _not _in a good way.

"You have visitors," he said gently.

The first to see her was her father, looking a lot older than she remembered him, even though she wasn't sure if she remembered him from 2015 or 2011. This was so confusing, but the sight of his face did sooth her a little.

"Hi, Katie," he said nervously. Josh politely left the room and Kate moved so her father could sit with her on the bed.

"Hi Dad," she replied, leaning against him.

"How are you?"

"Really confused," she answered truthfully. "I was... I was dreaming, but it all felt so real."

"What happened? What did you dream about?"

"I... It's still hard to separate it from reality. And I told..." she lowered her voice. "I told Josh I can't really remember."

"And why would you do that?"

"Because... I dreamed... that I wasn't with him any more."

Her father held her close as she began to cry a little. "It's okay, sweetheart, it's okay. Don't you worry about a thing. You just concentrate on getting better."

Kate leaned against him. She knew this was real. This _had _to be real. His smell, his arms... this was her father, this was real. So all of that... all of that had been... just a dream.

That pain. Those months of total agony... it had all been fake, in her mind.

So what did it mean?

The answer was too obvious to see. Kate bit her lip. Her dad had to go but Esposito came in.

"So, Beckett – you finally decided to wake up?"

Kate tried to smile. "I guess so. How have... how have things been?"

"Oh, you know, catching bad guys, that kind of thing. Ryan and I have been keeping you updated. The new captain, captain Gates-"

"I know that name. I... did you tell me about her?"

"The doctors said you might hear. Yes. We did. Did you... We caught him, we worked it out. Well, I say we, it was mostly Castle. He just wouldn't give up, he dug and dug until we finally found the shooter. It was senator-"

"Bracken. I remember! Javi, I... this is so confusing. I hardly know what's real and what isn't."

"Josh said you'd been dreaming. What happened? Where were you?"

"I... I was here. In my life, but it was later. Years later, I was getting married and... loads of things were happening."

"You were getting married to Josh?" Javi asked, looking a little disappointed.

Kate looked away from him; she turned her head back to answer but she didn't meet his eyes. "Uh... yeah."

"It must be so weird, waking up... and if it was later... do you feel like you've gone forward in time or back?"

"It's more like... I've been transported to a different universe, to be honest. I have no idea... I mean it's just..." Kate flopped back against the pillows, unable to explain.

"Well, when you're done being lazy, you owe a ton of overtime at work," he said, getting up and leaning in to give her a hug. "I'm glad you're okay," he muttered. Kate smiled.

"I'm very glad to see you. And... is anyone else out there?"

"Ryan can't, he's with – but maybe he'll want to tell you himself."

"He has a son called Connor," Kate said softly. Esposito grinned at her.

"I don't think you were all that unconscious after all. It was a total surprise. You missed the wedding, I'm afraid. I think they already knew Connor was on the way."

"That's so adorable. I can't wait to meet him. How old is he?"

"Three months. And you'll meet him when you get out – which I'm sure will be soon."

Esposito left the room before Kate could ask him about Castle. She bit her lip as Josh came back in.

"Hey there," he said gently, sitting beside her on the bed and putting his arm around her.

"Hey," she murmured.

"How are you feeling?"

"Uhm... better. Things are... not falling into place, exactly, but making a little more sense."

"You're wonderful, you know? You've made everyone so happy. I always knew you'd come back to us."

Kate smiled at him. She had to. He got up when the door opened again.

"That'll be your doctor. Dr. Jones, she's called. She's great."

Kate shuddered, but tried to put it out of her mind. The doctor came in; she looked completely different from the doctor in the dream, but... creepy.

"See you later," Josh said. Kate nodded. The doctor looked down at her.

"You must be very confused," she said comfortingly.

"Very," Kate answered with a humourless chuckle.

"Try not to worry too much. It'll be a huge shock, getting used to everything, but it will get easier. Your brain's adjusting every second. It may take a few days – you were dreaming, weren't you?"

"Yes. It felt so... so real."

"It may help to talk about your dreams in the long run, but for now, I advise focusing on reality. Josh will take good care of you. He has been, for the past year. They were both in here every day."

"They?"

"Yes. Dr. Davidson and Mr Castle. A bit of an odd setup, maybe..?" The doctor looked at her curiously. Kate bit her lip.

"Yes, a bit," she answered, not really sure what to think. She forced her mind back to when she was with Josh. She had really cared about him, he was a great guy. She had been mad at Rick, and Rick had been with Gina anyway... She blinked hard.

What the hell was she going to do?

The doctor began to ask her a lot of medical questions. She answered them as best she could. She was a little achy, very tired, and very confused, but other than that she felt fairly good. The pain from...

She couldn't believe she had _dreamed _that. She had dreamed miscarrying her first baby. She shivered.

"You're on a drip right now," the doctor was saying, "but we should be able to switch you to an oral diet tomorrow. Do you need anything?"

Kate was becoming more and more aware of her... position.

"I'd like... I'd like to go to the bathroom," she said. "And a shower..."

Dr. Jones smiled. "These can be arranged. Do you want a nurse to help you, or, it's against policy, but we could have Dr. Davidson-"

"A nurse would be fine," Kate said hurriedly. Dr. Jones nodded.

"We'll sort that out for you."

Kate smiled gratefully. "Thank you. Oh, and... is my cell phone here?"

Dr. Jones bent down to look in the little cupboard by the bed.

"It should be," she said as she looked for the phone. "We encourage people to bring in familiar objects... here." She handed Kate the phone.

"It's not charged," she said apologetically. She found the charger and plugged it in.

"Thanks," Kate said.

"I have to get on with my rounds now, but I'll see you tomorrow, and I'll sort out the nurse – she should be here in about an hour, if that's okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Thank you," Kate said, leaning back into her bed, trying very hard not to cry.

"It's going to be alright," the doctor said sympathetically. "Just relax."

Kate closed her eyes and nodded, feeling tears roll down her cheeks.

What the hell was she going to do?

* * *

A/N: So... Please review! Well done to everyone who guessed it, especially to the one person who guessed Josh! Thank you so much for reading xxx


	13. Chapter 12

12

Josh came back in the evening. There's something about having clean hair which gives a person confidence, and Kate was able to return Josh's smile almost genuinely.

"You look a lot better," he said.

"Did I look that bad before?" she teased.

"You know what I mean. Happier. How did it go with the doctor?"

"It was good. I mean... I'm so confused, Josh, but... I mean, I'm going to get there. I have to."

Josh smiled at her. "I know you will."

There was a little pause. Josh looked as if he wanted to touch her, kiss her maybe, but he was holding himself back. Kate still had no idea what to do.

"I'm... I'm kinda tired, Josh. I might get some sleep. Your shift must be over – you should go home and get some rest as well."

"I could stay with you..." he suggested, but he knew she would say no.

"I'm going to be sleeping. Not very interesting. I'll see you tomorrow," she said gently. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head; she took his hand and squeezed it.

"Goodnight, Josh."

"Goodnight, Kate," he said softly as he left the room. Kate waited a little while, picking up her phone and twisting it in her hands, but not calling. Not yet. She didn't even know what she would say...

She opened the address book and smiled to find his number and picture still there. His picture. Because he was still here, he was alive... She almost didn't want to call because she was afraid he wouldn't be there, that he would still be-

No. She wasn't going to think that. She wasn't going to ruin it. The world had him in it. Dr. Jones had said so.

She touched call, biting her lip as she listened to the phone ring at the other end.

"Is this some kind of a sick joke?" he said angrily.

_It was him! He was really there, he was alive!_

"Castle?"

"Kate! Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I thought... I'm getting in the car. I'll be there in half an hour, tops. You're awake? You're really awake?"

"Yes, Castle, I'm awake," she breathed, savouring his voice, his rich, mellow voice, that she had been so sure she would never hear again. She realised he must feel exactly the same about her.

"I'm... I can hardly believe it, I mean, I always did, I always believed you'd wake up but now I... It's really you?"

"Yes, Castle, it's really me."

"I missed you so much, Beckett, I... I have to go, I have to drive. See you soon, okay?"

"Okay. Drive safe."

"I will. I..." there was a pause.

"What is it?"

"Uhm... nothing, just... It's so wonderful to hear your voice."

"Yours too."

She ended the call and put down her phone, shaking with excitement. She was going to see him, he was going to be here! She fidgeted around in bed, smoothing out her gown, wishing she had some clothes, fiddling with her hair. She took a picture of herself with her phone and groaned at the result; she looked awful. She had huge bags under her eyes, her hair might be clean but it was a mess, she was pasty pale, gaunt looking...

She heard him coming, he was running along the corridor. He almost fell into her room, she chuckled lightly as he steadied himself, his face flushed from running and embarrassment. And he was there, he was so real, so alive... She felt tears begin to pour from her eyes; she held out her hand and he put something down on the chair, then took it. In a moment he was sitting on the bed, holding her tight in his arms.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, worried.

"I'm just so happy to see you," she sobbed into his shirt, hanging on for dear life as she absorbed his warmth, felt him breathing, listened to his heart... He stroked her back; she cried even harder at his touch, the touch she'd thought she'd never feel again. The touch she hadn't really felt much before. Not in real life. Not that he knew about. But she would worry about that later. Right now she just wanted to... _be _with him.

"I'm pretty damn happy to see you too, Beckett. You're a cute sleeper, but watching you did get a little dull on occasion."

She laughed loudly. Trust him to make a joke. He found her a tissue and helped her to mop at her face, tucking her hair behind her ear. When she was recovered, he picked up what he had put down on the chair.

"I didn't have time to get you flowers, but this was in the car and..." he trailed off, handing her the copy of Heat Rises he had brought in with him. She grinned.

"This is great," she said.

"I told you I was still going to write it. While you were... out. I told you that Nikki was naked on the cover again; I thought you might be so pissed off with me you'd wake up to give me a piece of your mind."

"That's cute," Kate said, grinning at him. "Thanks. This is better than flowers – I don't know how long I'll have to be here – now at least I'll have something good to read."

"Thanks," Rick said. "I hope it's up to standard."

"I'm sure it will be." Kate had a thought. "Rick, didn't Esposito call you?"

"No... That's odd."

"And Josh didn't either... Maybe they knew I'd be busy this afternoon anyway," Kate reasoned. Rick made a face.

"Maybe. Josh didn't really like me visiting you."

"Why not?"

"He... He blames me for you getting shot."

"But that's absurd. It was no one's fault. And didn't you solve the whole thing? Javi said you just didn't give up..."

"I couldn't. Not while... And I thought maybe you'd wake up when you were safe. Stupid, I know, but-"

"I don't think that's stupid. I'm so happy that you fought for me, Castle."

Rick smiled. "Josh is glad you're safe now. But he doesn't like me. Also... how much do you remember? About getting shot? They said you might have been dreaming, I guess it's all pretty confusing."

_I love you, Kate._

"Yeah..." she said awkwardly. "With you here it's... It's easier. I mean... Yes, I was dreaming, and it was... it was horrible, Castle, it was so awful and it was so real, I was so sure it was real."

"You want to tell me what happened?"

"Not now. Yes, one day. But not now."

"I get it. I'm just so glad you're back-"

"You said you loved me. When I was shot. You said you loved me. And I'm not ready to talk about that now but I'm not prepared to lie about it; I've been through too much, or I feel as if I have, to lie about that to you so I'm telling you I know, and I don't want you to take it back, and when I'm out of hospital we really need to have a conversation but I have no idea how to do that now so we can change the subject and talk about your year or something but I just had to tell you that I know," Kate blurted out. Rick stared at her, stunned. Then he smiled, gave himself a little shake, and said,

"I look forward to that conversation."

"Thank you," Kate whispered.

"Always," he said firmly. "So, you want to know about my year? Well..."

He began telling the long and fascinating story of the year she had missed. Kate drank in everything he said, still deliriously happy just because he was alive, just because he was with her. She watched him as if she were memorising him, memorising every movement, every flicker of his eyes or his mouth, every sound, every smell, every brush of his hand against hers as he settled beside her on the bed... He looked at her in exactly the same way.

Kate thought of something after he had been there for a little over two hours.

"When I was here... did you talk to me?"

"All the time."

"What did you say?"

"Loads of things. A lot of it was fairly soppy, to be honest. I told you that you were going to make it, that everything was going to be alright, that I... yeah. That kind of thing."

"...I heard you. I didn't know where your voice was coming from but in my dream... I heard you."

"I'm glad. They said you might."

"I'm glad too."

"Did you hear anyone else?"

Kate shook her head. "But I know things. I know things that they told me about, like Ryan's baby and that it was that senator..." she shuddered at the thought.

"He's rotting in jail," Rick assured her.

Kate nodded. Rick gave her shoulders another squeeze.

"I wish you could stay," she murmured.

"I can if you want."

Kate bit her lip. "No you can't. I'm with Josh... I owe it to him to... to at least try. He waited for me too. And I... I care about him, Castle."

"I know you do," Rick said, getting up from the bed. "And I know you'll do the right thing, like you always do."

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Of course," he said, flashing her another smile. "Sleep well. But maybe just for the night this time?"

Kate chuckled. "Goodnight, Castle."

"Goodnight, Beckett."

He left the room. Kate tried to settle in bed but it was no good. Now that she knew he was alive, he was real, she just wanted to be around him, to be with him, to _be with him_!? No! She couldn't. She was with Josh. No matter her desires, her fucked up mind and weird feelings, she was with Josh. She wasn't a cheater, she was an honest person. She would not go down that road. She had to get herself better and talk things through with Josh. Her boyfriend. She really cared about him. She would not hurt him like that.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, please review xx


	14. Chapter 13

13

Kate tossed and turned in her bed, wishing she could just fall asleep. She was so tired. She couldn't get Rick out of her head, and now that he was gone, the terrible images of their wedding, the blood, the agony... they crept into her mind before she could stop them, hurting her just as much as if they were real.

She told herself over and over that it wasn't real, that she wouldn't get upset. But... even when she had settled enough in the real world to be sure Rick was alive and safe, the worrying didn't stop. Because there was... Josh.

What was she supposed to do? She tried to think back to before the funeral. She had been spending a lot of time with Rick, but Josh had still been her boyfriend, and she had been happy with him. They'd had their issues, but they'd been happy. She hadn't known where they were going, but... she'd hoped somewhere.

Could she really have been hiding from her own mind that badly? Did she really not know herself at all? Her subconscious had put her with Rick, and not only put her with him but married her to him... She had been in love with him. Josh had been a distant memory, she'd been so completely over him she hadn't even thought of him. Once.

It had been Rick's voice she had heard. Had it been his voice that had brought her back? But... he wasn't with her. He could have a girlfriend. She didn't know.

What she did know was that she had a boyfriend.

A loving, caring, smart, handsome, funny, sweet boyfriend, who had stayed by her side, stayed faithful to her even though he hadn't known whether she would ever wake up.

She didn't know what she wanted. She was so confused. And she was already with Josh, anyway. She couldn't just break up with him after he'd waited for her. She hadn't been going to break up with him before she was shot; she knew she would have to think about the world she had been in for the past year, and maybe in the end she would decide to change things. But it wasn't that simple...

Things with Rick weren't simple either. What had they had, before she was shot? It was so complicated... And now it was even worse.

He loved her. He had told her because he'd thought she was going to die. And that love... it had been the last thing she heard before she left everyone behind. It was almost as if they'd switched places in her mind. She had been in love with him, and he had been shot.

She thought she could see what her brain had done. But there was so much... So much she had imagined, but it all felt like memories. Memories of dates, of planning, of nights together – of sex with him, kissing him, needing him, loving him... That hadn't gone away. She didn't know whether it ever would – or if she wanted it to.

What was sex with Josh like? She sat up in bed, staring at the door as if it might tell her something. She honestly couldn't remember. She didn't think it had been bad. But she couldn't remember any specific times or feelings...

"Well... Shit," she muttered. She'd talk to Lanie. Lanie would say dump Josh and jump Castle.

What did she even want? If she only thought about her own feelings...

She had no idea. She couldn't really separate her own feelings from her worries about other peoples', anyway.

She lay back down in bed and closed her eyes. She was with Josh. She needed simplicity, and she needed to put the world back to how it had been. The place she had been for the last year had been awful. She had to bring her mind back to reality. And in reality, Josh was her boyfriend.

She would try. She owed it to him to try. He would look after her, bring her back to herself...

She saw the screen of her phone light up. It was on silent, but someone was calling. She answered without thinking, not even checking the ID.

"Shit, Beckett, did I wake you?"

"Castle? No, I was awake."

"I... I thought you might be. I can't sleep either."

"Castle, I don't know if you should be calling me..."

"I can go-"

"No!"

She heard him chuckle. "Right. Not going anywhere. Are you okay? I just had to call you, I couldn't believe you were awake..."

"I'm finding it all pretty weird too. But, yeah, I'm okay."

"You sound a bit... troubled."

Kate bit her lip. "I don't know what to do about Josh," she confessed. "And I know you're totally the wrong person to talk to about this but... I trust you more than anyone in the world, Castle, you're my best friend, and... I know you'll tell me what you really think."

Rick sighed. "I think he's a great guy," he said. "He's tall, handsome, and I mean he's a heart surgeon, he saves lives every day, and if that isn't enough, he does all that aid work too. He really cares about you... He didn't give up on you. And He... he even let me in. he didn't want to, but he cares so much that he accepted that you might want me there."

Kate felt a tear roll down her cheek, not at Josh's kindness, but at Rick's honesty. "I wish I didn't have to choose," she said. "I've always hated that twilight girl for making such a fuss about it. Always thought she should just pick one great guy and move on. Because I think... when you're with the right guy, you just know."

"And... do you know?"

"I... Yes. I know. But it's not that simple."

"So... is he the right guy or not?"

Kate bit her lip and didn't answer; Rick stayed silent, waiting. "It's not him," she whispered. She heard Rick's poorly concealed sigh of relief.

They hung up soon after and Kate began to cry properly. She had practically just admitted to him that she had feelings for him, and he had still been sweet and understanding, and hadn't told her that she should be with him or that she should end things with Josh... He was letting her make all the decisions for herself, he was showing her that he was going to wait...

She had to talk to Josh. She had to end things with him. It wasn't fair... but honesty was the only option. That's what her mother had always said. The truth was what they fought for, and the truth was what she would tell. The fairest thing she could do for him was tell him how she felt. He would understand.

She hoped she wouldn't hurt him. She even hoped that he had drifted away from her while she'd been out. Maybe he was overplaying his feelings about her so she didn't feel uncomfortable now that she was awake. Maybe he'd really moved on.

She would talk to him in the morning. Having finally made this resolution, she tried yet again to sleep, but she was awake for most of the rest of the night. Breaking up with someone like that was never going to be something to look forward to.

* * *

"I know that look," Josh said as soon as he came into the room, bearing a breakfast tray. "You must be feeling better."

Kate laughed softly. "I... I am feeling more... in the real world."

Josh set the tray up on the table that went over her legs. He lifted the cover off the food. Chocolate chip pancakes.

"I figured since you haven't eaten in so long, you deserved something better than what they serve here," he said with a smile.

Fuck! He was being so nice. He had thought of everything and he was so good to her and the way he looked at her now... She was going to break his heart.

And she just couldn't do it. Not then. Not while he was taking care of her, not while he seemed so happy that she was awake. Rick was so confusing, there was so much history and it hadn't always been plain sailing. With Josh... well, of course, it hadn't all been plain sailing either, but it was different. They didn't have the strange work partnership, and Josh didn't have a history of pissing her off or interfering with places in her life where she really didn't want him.

Josh was a great boyfriend.

Kate had never been one to hide from a decision, and she hated to lie. She knew the truth was of the utmost importance and she was determined to tell it. But... she was so confused. She had just woken up from a _coma_. She'd had a hugely traumatising dream, and before that she'd been _shot_. Shot! To say that her head wasn't at its most sensible or at its best decision making capacity would have been a massive understatement.

She took a sip of water and a bite of pancake. It tasted amazing.

"Thank you so much," she said after she'd swallowed.

She almost expected to hear the word 'always'. "It was a pleasure," Josh told her. "Now eat up. You need to get your strength back – if it goes well you could be home in a week."

"A week?" Kate didn't know much about coma patients, but that didn't seem like very long.

Josh put his head to one side. "It's slightly different, because you'll have me. I can take care of you; I've applied for leave and my boss is being very flexible about it. I can have two weeks off as soon as you get out. If you want that, of course."

Kate didn't know what to say. If she said no she'd have to break up with him. Right now, in a hospital gown, over the best chocolate chip pancakes she'd ever eaten. If she said yes she'd be leading him on, because deep down she knew that he wasn't the one, that she wasn't going to spend the rest of her life with him, and though she cared a lot about him-

But she _did _care about him. She definitely wasn't in love with him, but she loved him as a friend, as someone who had supported her and stood by her... She was so tired, so weak, son confused... she just didn't have it in her to break up with him then.

So she had to say yes.

"I want that," she murmured. And in a way she did. He was wonderful at taking care of people. He would be calm and sensible and entertaining and loving...

They talked a little, until he had to go to work. Someone came to take away the breakfast tray. It was going to be Kate's last meal until the next day; they'd scheduled her operation to have her stomach tube removed for early the next morning. Nurses had to come in fairly often to change her drip; she wasn't allowed to drink anything either. She was remembering how much she hated hospitals.

Her father came to see her again. She didn't tell him about her... man troubles. She would figure it out. It was just going to take time. And a less baffled state of mind.

Unsurprisingly, Rick came too. The surprising part was that he brought Alexis, who actually seemed happy to see her. She thought about her relationship with the girl... It had been fine, but they hadn't been incredibly close. Alexis resented her a bit because she thought Kate was stringing Rick along, toying with his feelings. Kate sympathised.

But the visit went well. Alexis had to leave after a while; she had class. Her final year of high school was a lot emptier, she was getting internships to fill up time, but she'd had the morning off and asked to tag along. Rick seemed just as impressed as Kate was by his daughter's attitude.

Rick didn't let it get awkward when they were alone together, even though he could sense Kate's mood. He kept up a jokey conversation about nothing in particular for well over an hour, and had Kate smiling and laughing in no time. When it was time for him to leave, he caught her eye and took her hand.

"Don't worry about it," he said to her. "I understand that it's not that simple. And for now, I think you're making the right choice to stay with him."

Kate gaped at him. "How did you know..?"

"I know you," Rick said simply. "And I know all your tells. That's why I always win at poker."

He kissed her forehead, an instinctive move which afterwards made him blush bright red, but Kate was very glad he had done it.

"I'll call you later," he said as he hurried from the room. Kate had to smile. He was so... everything.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. As always, please review. And I know you all hate Josh, but please actually think about Kate's explanation before you write your rant. Love you! xxx


	15. Chapter 14

14

The rest of Kate's day was taken up with preparing to remove her stomach tube. It wasn't complicated – and by the evening she didn't have anything attached to her at all. Josh came to visit her; she felt fine, she hadn't even had to go under anaesthetic.

"So..." he said, "just a couple more days of observation and you can go home."

Kate smiled. She was still so relieved... Her life was so complicated. But it could be so much. She had thought for a long time that it _was _so much worse. But it wasn't. He was still alive, he loved her, he was there, he would wait.

She felt terrible for being so reliant on this idea, that he would wait for her, but she didn't know how else to feel. She had to end things with Josh, but it wasn't that simple. He had waited for her, he wanted to help her, and... as she became more used to reality, she was beginning to see why she had been with him. He was caring and attentive, handsome and kind... And he loved her. She was his girlfriend, and she didn't want to break his heart after she had come so close to doing it already.

And everything with Rick was so confusing. She couldn't help but wonder if the feelings she had for him were only so strong because of her dream, because of something her troubled mind had done, but something that wasn't real. Rick was wonderful... and she had no idea what might happen between them if... if what she felt was real. But she knew, for sure, that rushing into it, and risking screwing things up for everyone, was not something she wanted to do.

Because whatever happened, she could not lose him again.

Josh ran a hand through her hair.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, brushing a finger along her furrowed brow.

"Just... the future, I guess."

Josh put his hand on her shoulder. "Slow down, Kate. Take it day by day – we've got time."

Kate bit her lip. Did she really have time? Live each day as if it's your last. A lot of people said that. But she had to think about more than that, about the long term, about what her actions would do to people. If it were her last day she would be with Rick. There was no avoiding it. But it wasn't her last day.

Kate sent Josh home with a kiss and a joking promise to meet him for a breakfast date in the morning. He looked exhausted. But so happy. How could she hurt him more? She found herself looking at the nurses, wondering if they were single, wondering if any of them would make a good girlfriend for Josh. He was such a good guy-

Her cell phone buzzed. She checked the caller ID, it was Rick.

"Hey, Castle," she said, answering on the second ring.

"Beckett!" he cried enthusiastically. "So great to hear your voice."

"Castle, you were with me this morning..."

"Yes, but... anyway. How did the op go?"

"Fine. I am now completely free from tubes."

"That's a shame. I thought they looked good on you."

"You're an idiot. I can't wait to get my real clothes back."

"And your heels, I'm sure."

"Definitely. I'm so small these days. Holed up in bed."

"Are you enjoying the relaxation?"

"Yes... not much to do, but I can go home in a couple days. Probably on Monday."

"So just a weekend in the hospital... I'm going to miss your room, you know. Got quite used to it."

Kate chuckled. "You really are an idiot. You can visit me at my apartment instead," she said without thinking. It had just slipped out... she meant it, she did, but she... was it right to ask him?

"I'd love to," he said sincerely.

"Good," she answered, deciding saying how she felt was the simplest option.

"I'd say I'll visit you tomorrow, but I have a message to pass on now, which is also why I won't be coming."

"Oh?"

"It's from Lanie. She's coming to see you instead, she told me I wasn't allowed to be there."

Kate grinned. "Then I'll see you on Sunday, I guess."

"I look forward to it. Good luck with Lanie."

"Why do I need good luck?" Kate teased.

"Oh, no reason..." Rick said in a tone which implied he meant the opposite.

"Have you had a nice day?" Kate asked.

"Fine. I had lunch with my mother, she's very glad you're awake too. I mean, everyone is. You're something of a miracle, you know."

"Like I needed another reason for attention," Kate sighed.

"Come on. You were all over the papers. Detective shot by a sniper at a high profile funeral- of course the press was going to take an interest."

Kate felt a jolt in her chest and could tell Rick regretted what he had just said.

"I'm so sorry," he began. "I didn't think-"

"No, no... One of the things I like about you is you don't hide things from me. Don't start, please. Keep telling me the truth."

"Always," Rick promised.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Kate. You know I'll... I'm sorry. I... I don't imagine there'll be too much attention once they've gotten over the fact that you've woken up."

"I hope not. It's still so strange... but reality gets more real every day, if you see what I mean."

"That's good. I mean, I guess it is-"

"It's _so _good. You have no idea... I'll tell you one day. But it was... It was terrifying, Castle. The most terrible nightmare, and I was so sure that it was real."

"Do you want to tell me..."

"I... I don't want any lies, Castle. I will tell you. But... I'm not ready. Not yet."

"And I totally understand. I just want you to know that I'm here, for when you are."

"I know. And I'm so grateful..."

"Don't be. It's selfish of me to want so much of you."

"You might fool other people with that image, but you're the least selfish person I know. I'm treating you so badly..."

"No you're not. You're doing what you have to. I would do the same."

"No you wouldn't. You'd find a better way."

"Kate, I've been divorced twice. Do you really think I would handle this better than you? It's an impossible situation. You're doing what you have to, and I don't blame you in the slightest. Hell, I'd keep a Josh if I had one."

Kate had to laugh. "I'm so lucky... It's awful."

"You're many things, Beckett. I'm not sure I'd use the word lucky."

"I'm lucky to have you."

"Right back at you."

"I don't deserve it, Castle... you should find someone who deserves you, all this love that you have... I don't have anything to give you right now."

"I'll wait. I'm perfectly happy to be your hanger on, taking what I can get, what you can spare, until you're ready to dive into this."

"Dive into it together..."

"Precisely. I'd better say goodnight, Kate. Let you get some sleep. You'll need to be well rested for seeing Lanie in the morning."

"Right... yeah." Kate wished he didn't have to go. She wished she could talk to him forever. "Goodnight, Castle."

"Sleep well, Kate." He so badly wanted to tell her again. _I love you_. And she so badly wanted to hear it, those three words that enveloped her in safety, that made her feel warm inside, made her feel as if he was holding her, with her, proved to her that this was real, that he would be there, always, and that they would always be together.

Kate listened to the beep of the ended call for about a minute before she pressed her own 'end' button and put her cell back on the table. She decided she had to get up to go to the bathroom; it was a struggle but she made it. She knew the only thing that would make her legs stronger was using them – so she planned to. She looked in the mirror. She was looking a lot less like a ghost than the day before.

She found a toothbrush and squirted out some hospital toothpaste. Even squeezing the tube was an effort, but she relished it. Holding up the brush and the movements of her arm made it ache; it was exhausting, but she finished the small task and rinsed her mouth with pride. She wished she could wash herself properly but she wasn't meant to use the shower unsupervised. She would text Lanie and ask her to bring some clothes, and Lanie would help her. She sprayed on some deodorant and went back to her bed. She couldn't wait to get back to her own bed.

In her dream she had slept in Castle's bed. It had been so deliciously comfortable. When she closed her eyes she found herself imagining that she was in a bed like that. With a man like that with his arms around her. She forced herself to turn the man into Josh, but she wasn't really sure if she had or not. She drifted off to sleep, and although she tossed and turned, and woke up several times, she managed to get in a good seven hours before Josh arrived with breakfast.

She nibbled her toast. She wished she could have coffee but when she suggested it Josh gently reminded her that it really wouldn't be good for her body. She sent another text to Lanie asking for a thermos filled with her favourite drink. She appreciated Josh's attentiveness, but she was still in control of her own life. He watched her and made her finish the entire two slices.

"Come on," she said. "I hardly ever eat breakfast. And I've put on weight, the tube thing fed me too much."

"You were underweight when you came in. They maintain your weight at an optimum level."

Kate sighed. "I can't wait to get my muscle tone back. How soon can I go running?"

Josh laughed. "Kate, you have to _rest_. You'll have weekly physio appointments to help with getting your walking back to normal, it shouldn't take long for that to happen, but you're going to have to take this slowly."

Kate made a face. "You know me pretty well, Josh. I think you can figure out I am not going to cope with being bed ridden."

"And you won't be. But you'll get better a lot faster if you do what the professionals tell you."

Kate sighed. "Fine." She popped the last piece of toast into her mouth. "There," she said after swallowing. "Aren't you proud of your little girl now? Can I have a gold star?"

Josh made a face back at her. "You know I'm only trying to help."

Kate resisted the temptation to roll her eyes at him. "Yes, I know. Right, go on, go save some people. Lanie's coming and I want to brush my teeth first."

"Okay – do you want me to call the nurse?"

"Josh. I'm not that useless. I managed fine on my own last night." She didn't mention that her arm was still a little sore. She could use her left one.

Josh kissed her on the cheek. "Alright, alright. Have a good day – I'm sure you'll have visitors. And I'll see you for dinner."

"Right. It's a date," Kate said, trying to be honestly enthusiastic.

She waited for Josh to leave before she got out of bed. She knew she was very ungainly and slow – if he'd been there he'd only have rushed to help her. She got to the bathroom and cleaned her teeth; it was actually easier the second time. She smiled into the mirror. The smile didn't reach her eyes, but she looked better every day. She hoped Lanie wouldn't be too shocked, though. She knew she still looked pretty sick. She decided to sit in the chair rather than getting into bed. She wanted to shower, anyway.

She found her heart rate increasing as she stared at the door. Rick, Josh... things with them were so complicated. But Lanie was just her best friend – she would have down to earth, smart advice, she would be warm and comforting, she would be a laugh... Kate couldn't wait to see her.

"Hey girl!" Lanie said, dumping her bag on the floor and rushing over to her best friend, pulling her into a long hug.

"Lanie!" Kate cried. "I'm so happy to see you."

"I'm happy too," Lanie said, resisting the temptation to make a 'finally got out of bed' joke. "How are you feeling?"

"Good... I mean, weak, tired, confused, but... less confused every day. And so relieved."

"Relieved because... you're awake?"

"Not exactly... I was dreaming, Lanie."

"A lot of people do. Well," she sat down on another chair. "I'm here. Out with it."

Kate bit her lip, but as she began she found it was easier than she'd expected. "I dreamed that... I mean, it was completely real, I had no idea, but I dreamed that I got married to Castle, and then he... he was shot. But I had all these memories, within the dream, things from real life that people must have told me, but I also had memories of... well, being with Castle. It was so far in the future, but... Oh God, it was the best sex I can remember having and it wasn't even real."

Lanie waited. "I can tell there's more," she said gently. "Best just to do it all in one."

Kate closed her eyes. "I was pregnant with his child, but I had a miscarriage," she spat out. She felt Lanie take hold of her hand.

"I mean, I feel better about it now," she said slowly. "I know it wasn't real. And seeing Castle, alive and well... it makes everything so much easier to get used to. But all that pain, all that agony... it was so real."

Lanie nodded. "It has to feel real. The mind is very complicated and powerful. Especially a mind like yours. And it's natural to need time to get over something like that."

"Do you think it means something? I mean... I was in love with him. And although I know... I know it wasn't real, his was the only voice I heard. And the feelings I had... I mean, they're slightly different, and a lot more confusing, but they haven't gone away..."

"Have you talked to him?" Lanie asked, always keen to get to the heart of the matter.

"Yes. He..."

"What, Kate?"

"When I was shot... he told me he loved me."

"Oh... well damn girl, you have got yourself in a mess, haven't you?"

"Lanie... what should I do?"

"If that were something we could just sit here and figure out, life wouldn't be nearly so much fun. Kate... what it comes down to is this. As much as you don't want to hurt either of these men, what'll make it better for all three of you in the end is if you just think about what is best for _you_. Both of them want you to be happy. Both of them care about you. So you just have do... do what you want."

"But I don't really... I don't know what I want. I mean, Rick is..."

"You've had a crush on him since before you even knew him. I know. It's... kind of obvious."

Kate groaned. "Well... yes, then, if it is so obvious. Wait – do you think he knows?"

"Probably. But he understands you."

"I hope so... I mean, it's just so complicated. And also... I mean, it's sort of even worse after the dream. I have this idea of how amazing it would be to be with him and I almost don't want to lose that by turning it into a reality, and I mean, look at me, I always lose it in relationships. I don't want to screw it up with him. But I don't know how to avoid that."

"I don't know either, Kate, but I know you'll never manage anything unless you at least try."

"Of course... but Josh... I mean, he's reliable, we care about each other, he brings security, he's a great guy..."

"And if you want to be with him, that's where you should be. That's the question you have to find the answer for. Do you want to be with him?"

Kate sighed. "I think I do. I don't know if that's wrong, I just... I mean, I want to get back into reality, and before I was shot, he was my reality. I want... I want to try for some normality."

"Makes sense to me. And you know I'll support you whatever you decide. But, Kate?"

"Yes?"

"Don't wait forever. True love... It's a fairytale concept. But you and Castle... you're a very special pair. Your chemistry, your... well, whatever you have. It's obvious, and I don't think that kind of thing happens very often. So... if you think there might be something there, don't not try because you're afraid of getting hurt. Wait until you're better, wait until you've straightened your head out, sure, but don't stay somewhere where you aren't completely happy because you don't want to risk your heart. I mean, it survived a bullet. It's pretty tough."

Kate laughed. "Okay... I won't. And thank you, for being honest with me."

"You're lucky you look so sick, otherwise I would have been much more severe."

"What would you have said?"

"I might well have said something along the lines of, grab him and make little Caskett babies. But that would have been very inappropriate. And you have to make the decision on your own. It's far from simple, and you won't be happy with anything you do because someone told you to do it. Even if that someone is as wise as I am."

Kate smiled. "I'm very glad you're here."

"I'm glad to be here too. Now, you ready to get up?"

Kate bit her lip as she tried to get to her feet; she was tired from moving around earlier, but also very frustrated at how weak she was. Lanie helped her up.

"I wish I could have a bath," Kate sighed.

"When are you going home?"

"Monday, I hope."

"I'll take the day off and take you, if you like."

"Really? That would be wonderful. Josh said he would do it, but..."

"You're not ready to be as close to him as you were before. Totally understandable. He's not the sort to push, Kate, but you make sure you let him know your limits. He'll cope."

Kate nodded. "I will. I just... Am I doing the right thing?"

Lanie helped her to sit down on the plastic chair in the bathroom. "The right thing is what feels right for you. Do that. Keep doing that – what feels right – and you shouldn't go too far wrong."

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter I have finally managed to bring you! Thanks so much for bearing with me and reading. As always, please review, and I hope to bring you the next update without nearly so much of a wait as you had for this one! x


	16. Chapter 15

15

Monday morning arrived and though it had taken a little persuasion, Josh had agreed to work while Lanie helped Kate move back home. He had, however, insisted that Kate let him stay over, even saying he would sleep on her couch. Kate had been forced to agree, since her other doctors had said she shouldn't be alone for too long. She felt much stronger though, she didn't need help walking to the bathroom, she could shower alone, her arm didn't ache when she brushed her teeth...

She had very little to take home from the hospital. Lanie had brought her some clothes – to Kate's horror, her muscle tone had disappeared. She would need to go to physical therapy twice a week for the next month at least. It was going to be a long time before she was back in shape, even though she was medically fine. She sighed as she pulled on her sweatpants and peered at her reflection in the small mirror. Her ass had been so nice before... Lanie caught her looking.

"Listen, Kate, for someone who's spent the last year in bed, you look pretty damn good."

Kate groaned. "Maybe it'll put Josh off," she joked, but a part of her almost hoped it would. She put on a hoodie. At least they hadn't made her fat... but everything was so saggy, so... She sighed again and Lanie tutted.

"You can drag me along to the gym with you three times a week, I promise not to complain at all – on the condition that you don't either!" Lanie said. Kate had to smile.

"Fine. Do we have everything?"

She looked around the room, feeling almost sad to leave it. She'd spent such a long time in there, and while she might have been asleep for most of it, she felt a certain attachment to the space now. Also, it was safe... She felt protected in here. She didn't have to deal with any of her problems, with anything to do with real life. There was no Rick, no Josh... Actually, that was the best part. They _were _there, but only at agreed visiting times. She could always get rid of them, she was always alloed to be alone and think, think, and try to focus on what was real.

She still wasn't sure. Lanie picked up the small holdall.

"Yes, we have everything. My car's in the main parking lot, I'll take you down to the front in the elevator and go and get it-"

"I can walk through a parking lot, Lanie," Kate insisted.

"If you say so. But if you don't make it you're in trouble. Is there someone coming round in the evening?"

Lanie hadn't been able to get a full day off, only switch shifts, taking the night one which began at 6pm.

"Yeah, Josh is coming after he gets off work. He wants to make me dinner. Is my apartment..?"

Kate suddenly realised she had no idea what state her apartment was in. She hadn't been in there since before the funeral. She thought she might even have left take out on the table. Lanie smiled.

"It's all been cleaned up... We... We hadn't given up hope, but we tidied everything away. Your dad's been in unpacking everything for you again, but it's all clean and neat."

Kate smiled, trying to reassure her friend and let Lanie know that she didn't blame her for acknowledging the possibility that she might never have woken up. They reached the car. Kate was feeling a little puffed, but not too bad. She was pleased with herself – apart from a few experimental trips up and down the hospital corridor, she hadn't really done much walking.

"Maybe I can start with that," she said once they were sitting in the car.

"Start with what?"

"Well I realise I can't go running. But I could go for walks in the morning."

"Sure," Lanie said, starting the engine. "Don't tire yourself out too much though."

"I won't," Kate promised, although their definitions of too much were probably very different. She stayed quiet for most of the drive home, thinking... She was excited to see her apartment, pleased to be going home, but also nervous... She felt as if she hadn't lived there for years, she hoped she would remember where everything was!

Lanie helped her upstairs and went to put the bag in the bedroom. Kate gasped. There was a huge bouquet of flowers on her kitchen table, as well as a food basket containing several packs of coffee, microwave popcorn, crackers, her favourite chocolate, and three bottles of red wine. She didn't have to look at the note to know it was all from Castle. She smiled and set up her coffee machine. She opened the fridge and found it stocked with water and juice, as well as some cheese with a label attached – _To go with the wine and crackers._ He thought of everything.

She got out some juice for Lanie and found a mug for her coffee. She discovered a Richard Castle mug in her cupboard along with her own set, and opted to break it in. Lanie came back thourgh and accepted her juice, but forced Kate to sit on the couch while her coffee brewed, saying she would bring it over. There were yet more surprises in store. Kate realised she would have to check the entire apartment before Josh came over, so he didn't feel threatened. By her TV were several new DVD boxsets, including Sex and the City, Greys Anatomy, and Rizzoli and Isles. Kate was very amused by Rick's choices – Lanie approved of them too, though she tutted at the hospital drama.

"Haven't you had enough of hospitals?" she asked. Kate chuckled.

"I think everyone else has – but I was asleep for most of it. I think that's the joke."

"There's stuff in the bedroom too," Lanie warned her. After their drinks and a few episodes of Sex and the City, Lanie left to get ready for work and Kate went to see what Rick had put in her bedroom. She wanted to be annoyed with him for going in there without permission, but the new purple silk pyjamas, disgustingly sleek and comfortable, made it pretty hard to be angry with him. He had carefully removed the labels so she couldn't check how much they had cost him.

She looked in the bathroom and sure enough, he'd been here too. Her towels were freshly washed – but that might well have been Lanie or her father. The cherry body lotion and shampoo, however, she was sure was Rick. There was also a new candle with her favourite scent, and a robe hanging on the door which matched the pyjamas.

She went back into her room, pretty sure she'd found everything. She'd have to call him to thank him. Or she could say nothing... She put away everything from the food basket, but left the flowers out. Get well flowers were fine, she was sure Josh would be bringing some home with him. She'd tell him the pyjamas were a welcome home gift from a friend. He would assume Lanie. She hated lying to him but she couldn't face any kind of fight, and if he found out about all the gifts it might well start one.

She decided to lie down for half an hour before Josh got in – she was exhausted. It was just as well – under her pillow was her favourite fashion magazine and a flash drive. She put the flash drive in the drawer of her bedside table, she'd have to check it later. Josh wouldn't question the magazine, she could easily have picked it up herself on the way home.

She closed her eyes, not really planning to sleep...

"Kate? Kate.."

She tried not to shriek when she realised someone was gently shaking her shoulders.

"Oh, hi," she said to Josh, wishing he would move his face slightly further away from hers. It wasn't that he smelled bad – actually he smelled really good, he must have been home to shower... She just...

"How are you?" he asked, finally moving away so she could sit up and prop herself against the head of the bed.

"Tired," Kate said. "But good. It's nice to be home."

She tried to like the idea of him staying with her, tried to look forward to spending an evening with him, but all she could think was she hadn't called Castle to thank him yet, and once she'd done that, she wanted an evening alone where she could light her new candle, have a nice long bath and a glass of wine, and go to bed early, perhaps with her laptop and one of her boxsets.

She remembered enjoying evenings with Josh. Lots of evenings. But they had usually involved her having a lot more energy, and feeling inclined to partake in... energetic activities. Which she was not in the mood for tonight. Not even a little. He was an attractive man, with a nicer body than Castles, not that she was comparing... But he wasn't the right man. Was he? She still didn't know what was real and what was fantasy. But if fantasy had the potential to be real..?

"Are you hungry?" Josh asked. "I brought some food, I didn't know how much you'd want but you have to eat. It's Italian."

"Italian sounds great," Kate said, getting up off the bed and swaying a little. Josh rushed to steady her; she wished he wouldn't. She needed to be independent, she needed to get stronger. She wasn't going to do that if he never let her do anything. He guided her to the couch and forced her to sit down while he cooked. She didn't even bother to suggest opening a bottle of wine. Josh might have a beer every now and then, but he wasn't a great drinker, and he didn't like wine at all. Plus, in Kate's 'condition', she was sure he wouldn't let her have any. He didn't like her drinking at the best of times; the one time she had come in rather tipsy from a night out with Lanie, they'd had a huge fight in the morning, he'd treated her like an alcoholic.

She knew it was because of his work, that he knew all about the dangers of alcohol abuse... He couldn't stop being a doctor, just like she couldn't ever really stop being a cop. But she wished he'd cut her a little slack sometimes.

To be fair to him, she hadn't asked, but she didn't want him to have to disagree with her... He came to help her to the table, she protested but he didn't let her arm go, and set her down in front of a huge helping of pasta. The sight of it was daunting, but she dug in with gusto like a child wanting to impress her parent. This enthusiasm won a smile from Josh, and they began a normal conversation about something, but it moved on to current affairs and Kate realised she knew nothing.

They drifted into an awkward silence – far too much had happened for Josh to fill her in now, but he still wanted to talk about it... In the end they talked about the weather, and then Josh's work. Kate wanted her bath.

Kate put down her fork. She had barely eaten half her food, but she felt completely stuffed. Josh sighed.

"You won't get strong if you only pick at your food like that," he admonished. Kate wanted to hit him.

"I'm full," she said, wanting to add that she was a grown woman and he was here by invitation only, but deciding that wouldn't really help matters.

"Sorry," he said, seeing the annoyance in her fiery eyes. "I didn't mean to tell you off. I'm just worried about you."

Kate's gaze softened. "I know," she said. "But I can look after myself."

Josh looked as if he wanted to contradict her, but thankfully, changed his mind. "What would you like to do this evening?" he asked, smiling.

"I'd like to have a bath," Kate said slowly.

"I could join you?" Josh suggested. Kate had no idea what to say. He was her boyfriend. She should say yes. But... Despite her comments to Lanie, it wasn't her insecurities about her body holding her back. It was... She had barely seen him in months. She knew she had loved him, once, but she hardly knew him now. She let the idea teeter in her mind for a few moments.

"Okay," she said, just about in time. She would just have to go for it. Plus, this was a surefire way to tell whether, physically at least, she still wanted to be with him.

* * *

A/N: Sorry I have been so terrible for updating! Here, finally, is the new chapter, I hope you like it, PLEASE REVIEW! (reviews make me write MUCH faster!) Love you, thanks for waiting. x


	17. Chapter 16

16

Kate sank into the bubbles opposite Josh. He was watching her, but not in a leery way. She smiled at him and he winked at her.

"You're so beautiful," he said. She realised he hadn't _seen_ her since before the funeral, over a year ago. She began to wish she'd at least shaved her legs. She blushed.

"Thanks," she said quietly, not sure whether she was wishing herself away or just wishing she could go to bed and not have to worry about anything. She didn't really understand baths with another person. She liked to lie still and relax, think about things, drift away from reality... With Josh in here, especially as they were both tall, it was just kind of uncomfortable.

Josh picked up the soap. "Want me to do your back?" he asked. Kate scooted round awkwardly and let him begin to wash her. He was a little _too _gentle, as if he was afraid to touch her. She almost thought he knew what was coming.

"I'm so sorry," she said, getting hurriedly out of the tub and sloshing water onto the floor. She picked up a towel and covered herself with it. "I just... I can't, Josh."

He stayed in the tub, surprised, but not overly.

"You'll get used to it... Maybe we just need exposure. It's bound to be strange at first," he said, but Kate wasn't listening. She was a terrible, terrible person.

"I... I have to go," she said, leaving the room. She dried herself quickly (and fairly ineffectively) and put on her new pyjamas, a sweater, socks, and sneakers. Then she picked up her cell.

"Castle?" she murmured when he answered the phone, feeling rather faint.

"I'll be right there," he said instantly, needing nothing but the tone of her voice. Kate took a jacket out of her closet, hardly noticing which one of her extensive collection she had chosen, and left her apartment without even checking to see what Josh was doing.

She was a terrible person. Tears dribbled down her cheeks as she thought about her stupid love triangle, her stupid mind not knowing what was real and what was not, these two stupid men who both loved her. Why should they? She had treated them so badly... They must be at least partly in love with sleeping beauty, the girl who never moved, never talked back, never disagreed...

That was unfair. They were both better than that. And she had good relationships with both of them. It was just...

She knew what she wanted. But it seemed like the wrong choice. Josh had waited for her all that time, wishing and praying for his girlfriend to wake up and come back to him, and now she had woken up and he was so happy and kind and worried and attentive...

But he wasn't Rick. He wasn't Castle. He wasn't the man who had been standing beside her when she was shot, he wasn't the man her subconscious had found, had clung on to, had been in love with... And while she really liked him and cared about him and would always be grateful to him... If she had loved him once, she didn't any more. She didn't know if she loved anyone right now, if she was in a fit state for anything.

But tonight... There was only one person she wanted to be with. And that was the person pulling up beside her in his absurd red Ferrari wearing blue plaid pyjamas and a very worried expression.

Rick jumped out of the car and looked at Kate.

"Why are you outside?" he asked. Kate bit her lip.

"Can I come to your place?"

Rick seemed very surprised, but agreed instantly. Kate got into the car and slowly put on her seatbelt.

"You're too good for me," she said quietly.

"Bullshit," Rick replied simply.

Kate felt the relief of his presence wash over her and wondered what the hell she had been thinking, letting Josh have a _bath _with her. But the worst part was, she knew. She had wanted to give him a chance, he was her boyfriend, she didn't know where she was at or what she felt or what love even was any more... She had been so detached from the real world, she had wanted to give it a chance. It wouldn't have been fair to him... It still wasn't fair for her to leave. She was treating him so badly... She had just run away. She wasn't dealing with anything... She was so weak.

She had dissolved into floods of tears; she loved Rick so much for not saying anything-

She loved Rick?

"Stop the car," she managed t say through her sobs.

Rick pulled over, waiting for further instructions.

"Oh, God, I'm being such an idiot. Take me back to my place?"

Rick did so without question. Kate wondered what on earth he must think of her. Maybe she would ask him later. He stopped outside her building.

"Do you mind waiting here for a bit?" she asked.

"No. Can I ask... What's going on?"

Kate admired his restraint. He wasn't demanding, just... He had a right to know.

"Josh is in my apartment. I ran out. I shouldn't have. I have to talk to him... It may take a while."

"Are you breaking up with him?"

It was a straight question. It deserved a straight answer. "Yes."

"I'm sorry..." Rick said, reaching out and giving her hand a squeeze. Kate bit her lip. He was so... everything. Everything she needed. He was her best friend. She wanted to stay in the car with him so very badly, wanted him to drive her off into the sunset where they could live happily ever after in a sexless land of solitary bubble baths and entertaining conversations...

She got out of the car.

Josh was sitting on her couch with the TV on; he flicked it off when she opened the door. His expression was stony, but he was surprised to see her back.

"Did Castle have another groupie over?" he asked.

"That's not fair," Kate said quietly. Josh's expression softened.

"No.. It's not. But you leaving wasn't fair either."

"Neither was you rushing me..."

"You said it was okay. I..." Josh was uncomfortable now.

"I know. I'm sorry. I wanted... I wanted everything to go back to normal, but it's... It's never going to go back to how it was, is it?" she asked.

"I... I hoped it could. But it seems... not. Why did you come back?"

"Because... I loved you, Josh."

He bit his lip. "Past tense?"

"Past tense..."

"Do you love him now?"

Kate shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know anything. I barely remember... I don't know what I'm supposed to do... I called him because Lanie's at work and he's my best friend. I called him because I was selfish and I wanted someone who'd do what I asked without question."

"He's like a lovesick puppy, following you around." Josh didn't say this with derision, then. It was more like resignation.

Kate smiled weakly. "I know."

"He outside?"

"Yep.. I'm sorry, Josh. You waited, you... I don't deserve someone half as good as you."

Josh put his hand gently on her shoulder and looked into her eyes. "Yes, you do."

Kate shook her head. "I've been so selfish," she mumbled.

"No, Kate, you haven't. You've been the opposite... You've been trying so hard to please everyone else... But you need to get better. And you need to look after yourself. Stop worrying about me. I'll be okay. I love you, but that means what I want most is for you to be happy. And I don't think I was every really the one who was going to do that. If he... If he makes you truly happy, Kate, I wish you both all the best together."

Kate put her arms around Josh and gave him a long hug.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Any time," he said gently. "You go. I'll get my things and post my key through the letterbox after I lock up."

"I'm going to miss you," Kate whispered.

"I'm going to miss you too. But Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm so glad you woke up."

Kate bit her lip.

"I hope I am too."

Josh chuckled. "Don't be stupid. Of course you're glad. It would have been a damn shame if you and Castle never had a chance."

"You're being so sweet, I almost don't want to leave."

"Almost is the important word there, Kate. Look in your heart – we fixed it up nicely for you. Stop worrying so much about other people, about me, about Rick... Do what you want. In the end, that's what'll make everyone happiest."

"You're putting a lot of trust in my heart."

"I have great faith in my work."

Kate chuckled. Josh kissed her on the cheek.

"Go. He's waiting for you."

Kate was crying again. Josh wiped away her tears.

"Don't... You're doing the right thing."

"I'm so-" Josh put a finger over her lips.

"No you're not. Go on. Go and live, Kate."

Kate walked slowly towards the door and down to where Rick was waiting, leaning against the side of his car. She smiled at him.

"Thank you so much for waiting. But I think... I think I need to be alone tonight."

Rick nodded. "Fair enough," he said, getting into his car. He drove off. Kate watched until his tail lights had completely disappeared. Then she called a cab.

* * *

"Dad?"

"Hey, honey," Rick said to Alexis.

"Where's Kate?"

"She didn't come, in the end."

"How long are you going to wait, Dad?" Alexis said, almost angry.

Rick sighed. "As long as it takes."

* * *

"Dad?"

"Katie? What the hell are you doing here?" Jim rubbed his bleary eyes and let Kate into his apartment.

"Mind if I stay?"

Jim hugged his daughter tightly.

"Of course not. Your bed's made up."

Kate kissed her father on the cheek and went straight to her childhood bedroom. There would be time for explanations in the morning... Right now she just needed to sleep. She threw back the pink patterned comforter and stripped off, putting on a ragged nightshirt she'd worn as a teenager. She snuggled in her soft little bed and closed her eyes, falling asleep in seconds. She didn't notice her father coming in and picking up her clothes and turning off the light; she didn't stir when he kissed her forehead and switched off the light.

Everything could wait. Jim was a great believer in sleeping on things and waking up to look at them with fresh eyes. As he watched his sleeping daughter, he found himself begging every God ever heard of that she would wake up well in the morning, that he would find out what was wrong.

He had come so close to losing her so many times... The fear just grew and grew. But he could hear her quiet breathing, see the flickering of her eyelids... He finally had his daughter back. She looked so small, curled up in the single bed. He smiled and went to bed himself. Johanna had always said being intelligent and good looking was more of a curse than a blessing. From what he had seen of the two men in Kate's life at the hospital, he was inclined to agree.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, and for all the reviews for the last chapter. I really appreciate your interest, please continue to share your opinions with me! xx


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